He didn’t mean to break your heart and you didn’t intend to let him, yet you feel it like poison ivy crawling through your core.

The world will seem cold and distant. Life seems to move at a slower pace as you stand still watching the world revolve around you. You force your actions as you go through the motions.

Opening your eyes in the comfort of your bed - arms reach and grasp the emptiness. The heaviness of your arms expand through the room as loneliness takes over the tone. Your eyes move to the ceiling fan, mesmerized by the mechanical swirl - the sun gleams through the blinds kissing you awake; you wish it was him… raising your hand to your eyes and pulling the covers over your head, wanting and needing to crawl back into the safety of the cocoon. The longing sets in. Minutes, maybe even hours later, you pry yourself out of bed. One foot after the other, and question if your legs can hold the weight of the heart.

Wearily you walk into the kitchen aware of the blinking clock and the flashing light of your phone. Coffee or Red Bull will only make you more alert to this aching of the heart.

Twisting the shower knob to ON you remove your clothing, one limb at a time and slide the door open stepping into the rain - turning the temperature from hot to cold ….satiation to torture. Water pelting down your shoulders caressing the soul with the love of purity once again.

Tears have become evasive as you rationalize the situation. Desiring and needing to feel better

Moving through the day every song is sweeter, word’s louder, dead lines looming … none of it matters.

People will be cold, heartless, and self absorbed wishing and wanting the best for you while inquiring how you’re doing. Stepping back and taking you in awaiting your answer. Trepidatiously the glaze on your face moves from forced happiness spread like Prozac to the look of a lost 5 year old in the grocery store. You tell yourself and inform others, “I’m great. Really. Want to grab a drink?” Faking it every step of the way trying to convince others in hopes of convincing yourself.

Numb

Pain

Disillusionment.

Drink after drink you feel better then hear a faint laughter. Startled you realize it’s your own.

“Last call!”

Reality takes center stage as you turn to say, “Babe, it’s time to go,” he’s not there.

Sober now, something snaps, the close of the button or click of a file cabinet. Hidden under layers of strife, you tuck it safe inside. The friendship will develop after the heartache has healed. At that moment you realize, there really is life after heartache.

Sitting on the kitchen floor I pull my knees to my chest and lay my head on my legs. Ben and Jerry can’t comfort me tonight. The cold tile sends chills up my thighs as the hair stiffens on my arms the moment Fur Ball Factory walks by and brushes my calf. My phone vibrates then switches to the song of William Tell’s Overture. Not tonight ladies I can’t bring myself or my liver to join the living drunk. I grab my IPOD, lace up my sneakers, and head out the door to work it out of my body and work it out in my head. I’m done with ambivalence.

Several hours later

BANG
BANG
SNAP
PING

The wrap of a fist and the echo of a barren apartment, my eyes popped open in the dead of night. Ping! Ping! A gentle bell as copper hit glass breaking the blackness. The ground needs to shake or a helicopter fly above my body shaking my core to wake me from a slumber. Aware of this, they tag teamed me with noise. Extra effort and gold stars awarded for their well thought out plot.

Ping! Bang! Ting!

Jolted awake I saw the glow of Jo’s green eyes as she darted out of the room. Warning! Warning! Something’s not right. Dizzy and disoriented I climbed out of bed reminding myself that burglars don’t bang. Ping! Tapping on my window a faint, “Jess you there? - Wake up NOW.”

Scared and disillusioned, I approached my bedroom blinds and peeked through to find TWO BIG GRINS.
“Hey Lover, need to see you now. It’s very important.”
“Ugh, go to the front door.”

This is a warning or a public service announcement - perhaps a little bit of both, if someone comes knocking at your door in the dead of night to rescue you - ignore them. Please. They were trying to save me and entertain themselves. The plot had been planned earlier in the evening possibly over a cocktail or TWELVE. They toasted to accomplishments and one another’s brilliance.
“She didn’t return my call either. Game ON!”

Nothing like true friends to save another from dreaming of dancing with Justin Timberlake at 1:00 am. on a Tuesday. Still laughing at them and thankful for caring friends who love my guts more than enough.

There is a reoccurring theme with my friends right now, not sure why it keeps occurring. It pops up like an unexpected hiccup rearing its ugly head ignoring the brush off. There it is – sometimes nasty and usually true. Someone will drop the ball and say the wrong thing. Very Inappropriate Remark - the VIR. It sits there in dead air as nervous looks are exchanged across the room. Panicking they turn to hide their face and humiliation in the glass, return a text message, or light another cigarette. Faces blush and backs are turned.
People usually look at things before they name them, give it a day or a week before assigning the nick name, not with the VIR. It flies right out and leaves a mark. Psycho science studies deem it’s the rushed pace or distraction that causes the slip of the tongue. These mistakes that are made when defenses and reason are low, the miscalculations of the sentence. Waking up the next morning and realizing the cost of inconsistency and kissing bruised egos. It’s fatuous and critical

Ma. to Ch: “That was out of line. Really out of line.”
E: “Maybe I was out of line”
Sol: “I didn’t name my cat after you”
Kr “I feel so bad I shouldn’t have said that but I was, and then there was”
Me: “It wasn’t meant to sound as you took it”
R: “Tell me what did I say? I don’t remember”

It’s when I look back reflecting on the careless handling of situations and realize their empty value that I acknowledge the brevity. True friends always accept the apology before restating the hiccup and questioning the motive.
There never was one.

Been struggling with my thoughts on particular situations and listening to peoples “advice”. Never been one to take advice, but thanks for the suggestions. It follows the theme of Independence. It’s wasn’t until I moved completely across the country with no job/family/ or money to fall back on; it wasn’t until he put his hands around my throat and left me on the curb (we’ll cover that some day), or until I lost it all and woke up sweating that I realized I can figure it out on my own and trust myself. Your advice is invited, I will ask you for thoughts and suggestions - we may even approach a conclusion together.
Batter up Dr. Phil.

Just when you thought I might be cool, I went and bought the Wonder Women DVD series don’t worry Sissy – I bought one for you too. (very bad sister this weekend – happy birthday) Mad SHAZAM!

Sun shining through my window playing peek a boo through the blinds, I pull the covers over my head and crawl back into my cocoon. 800 thread count sheets draping my waist and goose down pillows sheltering my head, 5 more minutes in the safety of my cocoon. Tis too early for Monday need to snooze for another Sunday. New apartment complex has led to meet new neighbors, and new friends. Very very bad for liver. My liver is quivering
Waking up and running to make purchase of should be coffee but found bloody mary mix in hand. I am dropping off my liver to be flushed; shall I take yours too?
Date #3 with Mr. Halitosis didn’t go as planned. Maybe I’m wrong, but when a gent picks a gal up at 5:00 for a late afternoon BBQ date it should end by 9 or 10. Right? I needed to get away, the Halitosis was killing every sense in my body. The mints didn’t work, neither did gum.

“Have you tried the mints? Here have 5.”

I’ve been really good at finding the unavailables lately, really good at living in Uncomfortable.
Newly out of a relationship man
Unavailable neighbor
The one who proposed after the 3rd date
Stalker John
Traveling Adam
Out of state girlfriend Joe
Mr. Halitosis

Realizations while discussing men over bloody mary’s became the stop sign in my path.
“Maybe it’s me?”
“No, honey it’s THEM”
Friends in denial not wanting to bring the party down, no honey it’s not you, it’s them. Don’t you worry your pretty little head over it.

I’ve been bored with the uncomfortable for so long now I wonder when the high will lift. Question if it’s possible. Can it and does it? I want my who, what, and where. Especially the Who. I want my kiss at the end of the day. The hand on the small of my back, the text msg. of love u, I WANT comfort. The drama used to make me happy, I think there were times I enjoyed it and discounted men looking for their faults. Maybe it’s not like the movies. I think that’s why I wanted all the damn drama in the first place. All the black and white movies. What’s a gal to do but continue down the path and hope the stop sign was a yield. And question is it me or is it you?

Sun shining through my window playing peek a boo through the blinds, I pull the covers over my head and crawl back into my cocoon. 800 thread count sheets draping my waist and goose down pillows sheltering my head, 5 more minutes in the safety of my cocoon. Tis too early for Monday need to snooze for another Sunday. New apartment complex has led to meet new neighbors, and new friends. Very very bad for liver. My liver is quivering
Waking up and running to make purchase of should be coffee but found bloody mary mix in hand. I am dropping off my liver to be flushed; shall I take yours too?
Date #3 with Mr. Halitosis didn’t go as planned. Maybe I’m wrong, but when a gent picks a gal up at 5:00 for a late afternoon BBQ date it should end by 9 or 10. Right? I needed to get away, the Halitosis was killing every sense in my body. The mints didn’t work, neither did gum.

“Have you tried the mints? Here have 5.”

I’ve been really good at finding the unavailables lately, really good at living in Uncomfortable.
Newly out of a relationship man
Unavailable neighbor
The one who proposed after the 3rd date
Stalker John
Traveling Adam
Out of state girlfriend Joe
Mr. Halitosis

Realizations while discussing men over bloody mary’s became the stop sign in my path.
“Maybe it’s me?”
“No, honey it’s THEM”
Friends in denial not wanting to bring the party down, no honey it’s not you, it’s them. Don’t you worry your pretty little head over it.

I’ve been bored with the uncomfortable for so long now I wonder when the high will lift. Question if it’s possible. Can it and does it? I want my who, what, and where. Especially the Who. I want my kiss at the end of the day. The hand on the small of my back, the text msg. of love u, I WANT comfort. The drama used to make me happy, I think there were times I enjoyed it and discounted men looking for their faults. Maybe it’s not like the movies. I think that’s why I wanted all the damn drama in the first place. All the black and white movies. What’s a gal to do but continue down the path and hope the stop sign was a yield. And question is it me or is it you?

I’ve been rebelling against coervcive love and coercive like for quite sometime now. When things get a little to close, a little to comfortable, I worry. My insecurities shine like a mirror in the sun reflecting rays of doubt wondering if this can be real. Been working really hard at this endless adjustment. Really. Readjusting to the summer heat that makes men go wild. Short skirts, 3 inch heels, Gypsy tank top - - am dolled up like a tramp. Work it baby.

I got my girl back from W.V. and filming; text message was sent,
“Must come dancing tonight – nuff said”
Fast fwd 6 maybe 7 hours to wine tasting at apt. complex with neighbors

Shouldn’t really freak out about this torrid love affair been having with to cute neighbor. Unavailable neighbor. It would be easier if To Cute Totally Hott neighbor weren’t so fun to play with. Not the I want to have your babies play but the dangling by a string type of play. Who’s the cat and who’s the mouse? Not really an affair, just innocent flirting. Honestly.
Ronda, TCTH Neighbor, and Irf satieted our growling stomachs at Fish. More flirting.

TCTH: “Do y’all mind stopping by Pub fiction w/me for the grand opening?’
Me: “Isn’t this their umpteenth grand opening?, I promised Cathy I would meet her.”
Ronda: “Can you dance there?”
Me: “A lack of dance floor has never stopped us before.”
Ronda: “ Right, too true. “

Who ever knew dancing to a guitar and bongo drums could be so much fun. Tis first time ever heard Ice Ice Baby played on bongo’s, never made it to Cathy.

And now as I prepare to get trampelicious for great date #3, I worry about the comfort I feel. I don’t wear comfort well. Feeling unsteady and praying I am not walking on a fault line. I’ve been laying the ground work to move from temporary to permanent. Understanding that not everything is going to burn, not everyone will leave a scar, the next one will be better than the last. O.

Thomas I wish I could be a little more like, Samantha, just can’t bring myself to all that openness

It’s only date #3. Dress like tramp NOT act like tramp.

Only siblings will be able to understand the fierce personality traits of their close confidants, rivals, and blood. As adults, we are to be mature and move along at a steady pace throwing emotion by the way side and be very, albeit not always rational creatures. We move from childhood enemies, the kicking, screaming, biting, and spitting to the first person I call when my heart is broken, the first person I call when I just need to talk as I look at the ever expanding emptiness of my apartment, my first feeling of home. Jo, my in house furball factory, has formed paths in the carpet resembling crop circles, she doesn’t fulfill this void. This void that has become the home of sibling rivalry. It’s a lemon of inheritance, and more than a wee bit silly. Refund please.

When I was a small child running around the fields of Erie, Pennsylvania I would, climb trees, build giant castles in the woods made of dirt and stones , scale fences, play Star Wars with sticks, kickball, catch (monkey in the middle), I would try to do everything my older brothers were doing. They are both married now. One has children, the other has dogs -he’s chasing academia and his dogs. I won’t be going the kid route for a while and my apartment isn’t big enough for a dog hence, I no longer try to do everything they do. When I would fall out of trees my mother would run to my aide and scoop me up. I would move from hurt to stubborn in a split second.
“Go away Mom. I want my NaNa.” My oldest brother, my NaNa

My decision to leave California and move to Texas (in the movies it happens the other way around) was based on my parents nagging, I mean persuasion and my siblings advice. Sissy and F. were in Dallas at the time and N. is in Houston. That was important. It still is. Recently have developed a distance with N. after receiving nasty
email from N. discussing the fact that I am,
“his only sister who is not married, has no kids,or responsibilities, so why shouldn’t I be at his beckon call and ignore my responsibilities?”
OUCH
OUCH
OUCH
Needless to say became bitter Sass after reading email.

According to Big Brother Oracle there is a difference between married people and single people. Married people with kids day dream of the days when they did not have children and did not have such responsibilities. People with children are very busy that is understood, but single people day dream of having such responsibility even when we can’t keep a cactus alive. How often is one supposed to water those things? Kids take up a lot of time, so do various activities, community involvement, dating, friends, being a good sister to BBO and other fab. siblings, a kick ass aunt and daughter, blogging, full time circus clown to diplomatic ring leader boss, and cleaning up after master furball factory. Excuses…..perhaps.

I have since come up with reasons to not have kids and shy…okay run away from all responsibility if having kids constitutes me as an adult or a grown up. I never do want to grow up. My parents never have.

1. What if I don’t like their friends
2. What if they are ugly?
3. What if they leave dishes in the sink like Rea? Bad Rea.
4. You have to drive them everywhere until they get a car which I will have to pay for out of my shoe money.
5. You’re the center of their life until they hit 13 want to wear mascara and call me DAWG- they then turn into some type of evil mutant spawn
6. Responsible for them legally and financially – there’s that word – responsible – I am scared just writing it
7. They might take after their father
8. They might lie and say the cat shaved herself bald
9. They will lie and say someone snuck into the house and ate all the Yodels
10. They smell like dirt, honeysuckles, snot, and unconditional love

Bitter mean words mean love and longing, understood. I still want my NaNa
All my love,
J-bird

Someone from Friendster actually sent me this application after sharing a few witty emails
Friend Application

FOR THOSE DESIROUS OF FRIEND AFFLIATION WITH CHARLIE AND JASON
RULES DESCRIBED HEREIN

ONE: The name of this applicant is _Jessica__
TWO: The purpose of this application is to engage in any lawful act or activity; or potential illegal activity, for which Charlie and Jason deem fun and may be organized under the General Friend Laws of Texas. Nowhere within is this a binding legal document unless it benefits Zee and Jason to deem it so.
THREE: The application must be filled out in full. If you find a question offensive, please answer with a reason why. If you don’t know an answer, simply do your best. You are being judged. Blank answers are worse than wrong answers.
FOUR: If accepted as a potential friend, you will be introduced on a trial basis, where full evaluation of friend status will commence at the end of a 30 day period.
BEGIN

1 – Describe what your laugh sounds like:
Loud boisterous rooted in my gut

2 – Your favorite historical figure and why:
Me in a hundred years, you don’t really need a why.

3 – Do you drink, smoke, do drugs, skinny dip, commit felonies, etc….?
Skinny dip, drink like a well oiled machine, Drug Free, no felonies to date

4 – Are you athletic, can you out run a hungry bear? How long would it take you to run a mile?

One athletic girl, check mate. 8:12 min mile, not training for anything but I would drop kick that bear and tie it to the tree before it was able to roar

5 – Religion, go: - don’t ask it’s torturous and rooted in my values and morals

6 – Which is worse, 10 dead babies in 1 trash can, or 1 dead baby in 10 trash cans?
They equal out, it’s just wrong you even asked this question.

7 – Give the location and description of your tattoo:
No tats. Had my navel stabbed I mean pierced twice: once when I was 19 and again when I was 23.
Also had my eyebrow pierced for 3 weeks (more than a little freaky)

8 – I am musically inclined, I sing and or play the following instruments:
Knowing how to turn on and off the stereo and pump up the sub woofer counts, right? Don’t sing. Even my niece tells me, “Aunt Jess – I’ll go to sleep. Just stop singing.”

9. – I prefer to get fast food from:
Mr. Chungs Chinese kitchen or my neighbors fridge

10. – My favorite quote from a movie is:
“Holy Shit it’s the attack of Eddie Monster” Lost Boys
“YippeeKaiYeah Mother F**ker!” Die Hard

11. – If supreme dictator of the world, I would choose to blow up and destroy this country.
On a stressful day, it would be DQ’s private country. Sometimes I wonder what the man is thinking

12 – My thoughts on abortion are:
Pro Adoption and Pro Choice

13 – I have a boat.
No, but I will ride in yours and do my best Pamela Anderson bimbo routine and recite Paris Hilton lines, okay one…the only one.

14 – I have been camping in the last year / I am opposed to camping / I want to go camping.
Big Chill 2005 North Carolina July 14th
3 of my best girlfriends from high school. A stroll down memory lane minus the pot smoking. Counting down the days.

15 – I ski and or snowboard. I am better than Charlie and Jason at snowboarding and or skiing.

Better skier than snowboarder. I bruised my tush last time I attempted snow boarding. Have you ever been on a snow bike? They are a lot more fun than skiing and snowboarding, you’re also more likely to kill yourself or take down a school of fellow skiers on a snow bike

16 – I think vegetarians are:
been one since I was 6 years old, I reiterate, a little more than a freak.

17 – On a scale of 1 – 10 (highest) I consider myself this attractive. My friends consider me…

You really have to ask? I am a 10 – You’ll have to tell me, after all this is a friendship application.

Your turn

Happy Birthday Big Sis and FYI - no matter how many packages of jello you put in a pool, you still can’t walk on water

Someone from Friendster actually sent me this application after sharing a few witty emails
Friend Application

FOR THOSE DESIROUS OF FRIEND AFFLIATION WITH CHARLIE AND JASON
RULES DESCRIBED HEREIN

ONE: The name of this applicant is _Jessica__
TWO: The purpose of this application is to engage in any lawful act or activity; or potential illegal activity, for which Charlie and Jason deem fun and may be organized under the General Friend Laws of Texas. Nowhere within is this a binding legal document unless it benefits Zee and Jason to deem it so.
THREE: The application must be filled out in full. If you find a question offensive, please answer with a reason why. If you don’t know an answer, simply do your best. You are being judged. Blank answers are worse than wrong answers.
FOUR: If accepted as a potential friend, you will be introduced on a trial basis, where full evaluation of friend status will commence at the end of a 30 day period.
BEGIN

1 – Describe what your laugh sounds like:
Loud boisterous rooted in my gut

2 – Your favorite historical figure and why:
Me in a hundred years, you don’t really need a why.

3 – Do you drink, smoke, do drugs, skinny dip, commit felonies, etc….?
Skinny dip, drink like a well oiled machine, Drug Free, no felonies to date

4 – Are you athletic, can you out run a hungry bear? How long would it take you to run a mile?

One athletic girl, check mate. 8:12 min mile, not training for anything but I would drop kick that bear and tie it to the tree before it was able to roar

5 – Religion, go: - don’t ask it’s torturous and rooted in my values and morals

6 – Which is worse, 10 dead babies in 1 trash can, or 1 dead baby in 10 trash cans?
They equal out, it’s just wrong you even asked this question.

7 – Give the location and description of your tattoo:
No tats. Had my navel stabbed I mean pierced twice: once when I was 19 and again when I was 23.
Also had my eyebrow pierced for 3 weeks (more than a little freaky)

8 – I am musically inclined, I sing and or play the following instruments:
Knowing how to turn on and off the stereo and pump up the sub woofer counts, right? Don’t sing. Even my niece tells me, “Aunt Jess – I’ll go to sleep. Just stop singing.”

9. – I prefer to get fast food from:
Mr. Chungs Chinese kitchen or my neighbors fridge

10. – My favorite quote from a movie is:
“Holy Shit it’s the attack of Eddie Monster” Lost Boys
“YippeeKaiYeah Mother F**ker!” Die Hard

11. – If supreme dictator of the world, I would choose to blow up and destroy this country.
On a stressful day, it would be DQ’s private country. Sometimes I wonder what the man is thinking

12 – My thoughts on abortion are:
Pro Adoption and Pro Choice

13 – I have a boat.
No, but I will ride in yours and do my best Pamela Anderson bimbo routine and recite Paris Hilton lines, okay one…the only one.

14 – I have been camping in the last year / I am opposed to camping / I want to go camping.
Big Chill 2005 North Carolina July 14th
3 of my best girlfriends from high school. A stroll down memory lane minus the pot smoking. Counting down the days.

15 – I ski and or snowboard. I am better than Charlie and Jason at snowboarding and or skiing.

Better skier than snowboarder. I bruised my tush last time I attempted snow boarding. Have you ever been on a snow bike? They are a lot more fun than skiing and snowboarding, you’re also more likely to kill yourself or take down a school of fellow skiers on a snow bike

16 – I think vegetarians are:
been one since I was 6 years old, I reiterate, a little more than a freak.

17 – On a scale of 1 – 10 (highest) I consider myself this attractive. My friends consider me…

You really have to ask? I am a 10 – You’ll have to tell me, after all this is a friendship application.

Your turn

Happy Birthday Big Sis and FYI - no matter how many packages of jello you put in a pool, you still can’t walk on water

She who can not keep a secret is keeping a secret; I am about to climb the office walls in true spider man fashion.

Remember that horrible movie Don’t Say A Word with Brittney Murphy? Her tag line was “I’ll neeever tell” She did more than state it, she sang it while shackled. She taunted Michael Douglas’s character with her secret holding it over his head like a mistletoe waiting to explode. “I’ll neeeever tell (la la)”

Meet my office mate Lisa. She’s responsible for this post..click here

All day long we sell stuff to difficult doctors while they interrogate us. The thing about doctors is they can be cocky, arrogant, funny, intelligent, and a barrel of laughs, each one different from the one before. This is just a smidge of what we deal with day in day out
Tuesday 4:30 pm while waiting in a hospital lobby for a meeting my cell phone rings
Me Professional Voice: (insert company name) “This is Jessica”
Cocky Male Voice: “Do you always give strange men your cell phone number?”
Me Professional Voice: “I’m sorry, who am I speaking with?”
Pause … Long dramatic pause
Cocky Male Voice: “Is this a company phone or a personal phone?”
Me Professional Voice: (hesitation) “I use it for both”
Cocky Male Voice: “So, if I call you at 3:00 in the morning you’ll answer?”
Me (relaxing a little) “Yes, I will assume it’s one of my nut job friends.”
Cocky Male Voice: “This is Dr. XXX”
Last night 2:30 am: phone rings I wake from a slumber and reach for my phone, “Hello”
Male Voice: “Jessica, This is Dr. XXX we need to push back our meeting tomorrow an hour, I forgot I have surgery.”

Why that couldn’t wait until 8:00 am I’ll never know. Silly doctor.

Lisa and I share a good size office for our circus clown job, 10 x 15ft. For the past two years our desks have kissed, ledge to ledge. When we’re in the circus ring at the same time we stare at one another over the screens of our laptops all the while working, shopping on line, more work, gossip, and more gossip. When she’s upset, I am the first to notice shut the door, grab the box of tissues and vice versa. We share the whole enchilada of our lives with one another; laugh at each others jokes, and scare off the engineers in circus. She’s usually the first one I talk to Friday mornings about Thursday nights date, I’m the first she talks to after dinner at (insert very expensive restaurant). We’ve shared it all with one another and no one else. Until now
“I’ll never tell”
She probably knows more about me than my mother, sisters, and girlfriends. I know every detail about her and her husband, every nasty thing. We are polar opposites; she’s an avid hunter & I am a vegetarian, she’s a golfer & I like football: think Martina McBride meets Avril Lavigne. The best of friends until two days ago when our very cute coworker walked by, muscle shirt and all, and stopped in our office.
He looked at her and said, “Orrooouumph”
Lisa replied, “ Ommmungh”
Cute Co worker:”Ommunh?”
Lisa, “Ommungh.”
Bewildered I was during their grunt filled conversation.
“What was that about?”
“I can’t tell you?”
“What?”
“I can’t tell you.”
“She who can’t keep a secret from me can’t tell me?”
“Nope, I can’t tell you.”
For the last two days I have badgered, threatened to hang Barbie’s from her dead animals, and called her incessantly begging to tell me the secret. Yes, am very upset girl.
She who can’t keep a secret. …..I’ll make you tell or put whoopee cushions in your seat and replace all your pens with squirting ones.
Tell me….curiosity is killing this cat.