“This is not for shopping.” The 5 year old was telling me.

She has my demeanor, my body type, my attitude, my lack of attention, they call her “Little Jessie” and she wants it all NOW. I’ll give her back after we are done playing. Maybe now

“Can we? Can we? Aunt Jess ssssss ie”

Seconds turn into hour’s perhaps even days as she stands in front of me begging, now pleading to go. Hands across her chest looking like Matilda –hanging on the rack. She wants to go; she wants me to walk out of the store and she wants me to do it NOW.

“I really want to go, please. Why didn’t you bring it? We have to buy a new one? Aunt Jessie???”
She’s one of the few people who can get away with calling me Jessie and not have me threaten her existence. It’s adorable when she says it or my best friends from highschool call me Jissie in their South Carolina draw. Jessie sounds needy and whiny - hits a little to close to home, I’ve never liked the way it drools out of mouths.
The look of want and immediate satisfaction grace her face as she begs me. She’s pleading and holding it out there in the middle of the store at the beach on a Saturday afternoon. Her innocence and freckles on the nose make me want to smother her with kisses. I pause before replying recognizing the need and knowing “No” would only bring tears to her eyes. Whiny puffy eyed lower lip sticking out not understanding NO type of tears.

“Only because you said please Bug.”

Sucker.

Walking into the bar and taking one step closer to an AA meeting with two of my best gal pals Friday evening the game was definitely on. Short skirts, slimming black pants, halter tops, shiny lips and the shoes of course. I’ve worked enough rooms and done the “once around” at enough parties to be able to tell you who is going home with who and who will be left standing on the dance floor alone. It’s easy human chemistry, attraction, and body language. He leaned in closer to her shuttering the void between the bar and him. The snap of her purse and the click of her heel - she was more than annoyed and walked away. “Thanks for the drink” loser. He tried to be entertaining, he tried to dance, he tried to damn hard.
“I can tell you right now - you work a lot of hours and are trying to relax, you’d rather be in a sports bar or sitting on your couch. You’re friend doesn’t work a lot, he’s probably in some sort of sales job or fell into his families business – he needs to wear different shirts – it’s to loud and screams I am going to show up at your house and boil your cat. Your other buddy, I can tell by his demeanor – he’s picky because he’s been hurt – he’s hesitant and jerky and cries to be loved. Am I right?”
“You’re right on the money”

I walked away the moment I noticed the hottest guy in the room. Tall 6’2” nice jeans a relaxed shirt that was edgy, clean, and very stylish. The guy could even pick out shoes. Totally impressed. I am mesmerized and tortured as he stands in the middle of the dance floor. He senses familiarity spinning around on his heel. Ahh the familiar smile, those lips, the hair, and glistening baby blues.

“Hey baby – it’s good to see you again”
I wanted to ask him why he colored outside the lines and didn’t follow through with promises, why he kissed her and trashed what I gave him, why he broke up with me while I was standing in the middle of a mechanic shop getting my oil changed.

“Mam - you need to pay - your car passed inspection, we changed the filter and adjusted your fluids. You’re good to go.”
“What? What about my … my broken heart. My ego. That won’t pass inspection” The mechanic looked at me like I was crazy and wanted to tell me, “We can’t fix crazy.”
I threw all of my I wants and Now’s back on my sleeve. I’ve always worn my heart on it –I still want it all NOW – just not with him.

“It’s nice to see you too. Gotta go.”

Now taking applications.

“Hi” she tosses her hand in the air as the glaze of, “I don’t want to be here” crosses her face.
She’s never been so happy to see me and we’ve never needed one another more
Get off the phone – we need to talk.

“I am really emotional today.”
“Why?”
“My girlfriend, D, is being induced tomorrow, we were pregnant at the same time.” It’s been really hard for her to cope on days like today. She walked in and closed the door.
“You won’t laugh at me if I cry?”
“Will I? Not now but later.”
She needs comfort right now. She needs warm rice pudding ….. with raisins and tissues with aloe.

One can’t imagine what it’s like for another to go through this – such hard times and feeling the loss, I’ve felt loss. I’ve lost my childhood dog, I’ve misplaced men, and said goodbye to a few friends but I’ve never had the loss of a baby. A miscarriage leaves a woman in a state of physical and emotional readiness for a baby that isn’t. At the start you idealize and plan all of her outfits. We discussed names rhyming them while thinking of the distortions.
” No, don’t use that one he’ll be teased like I was Messy Jessie or Messyica”
We used the sentenance and future tense, “When the baby is born” and then…….She moves from awkward to uncomfortable like a zombie going through the mornings motions. Her eyes drape shut then pop open as her mind synapses the previous events. She wants to forget and ignore it happened, who can blame her? I’ll hold her hand all day long and grieve with with her trying to cause distractions. Standing on my chair doing headstands now - look at me I’m a dork.
Care taker to comedian.

Let’s laugh –that’s how we deal. It’s to early to cry - my head hurts from shopping w/Ronda Miss “I need a Godiva $6.00 strawberry”, bbq, pool party, and watching the smiley faces in the sky. I want to give her all my smiles, if only I could.
I would.

And to Sarah who said to me, “From your website your life looks like it’s a lot of fun.” Um…have you seen this?