Before we get started I can already feel myself withdrawing and holding on to self restraint.

I’ve been going back and forth trying to decide if I should post the story I planned. The one where I spill my guts and write what’s really on my mind. I’ve opted to stand behind the shield of my laptop instead. It’s been a while since there’s been anything confessional here outside of a strange addiction to hummus and the inability to go more than three days without talking to my sisters and sister-in-law.

The past several weeks have been relatively the same. My feet swing over the side of the bed reluctantly hitting the floor and sluggishly agree to take on the day. My motivating factor is knowing I will have the opportunity to go for a run and try to work it out of my head. Like most logical American Women when it comes to my weight I am mentally unstable. I obsess over the smallest digit and factor in an extra three minutes on the tread mill while I reach for a piece of cinnamon hard candy. Under stress, evening runs and work outs at the gym have nothing to do with fitting into my jeans – that’s the easy part. Understanding the complexity of a decision and attempting to work it out while my body is in motion keeps me motivated through the day.

Everything has taken an extraordinary amount of effort to motion through. Returning phone calls to the point where I hit send and hang up after the first ring, answering emails, writing, talking to coworkers is pointless and has been boiled down to aloof remarks with sarcastic overtones. Even talking to Ronda is brief and narrowed down to the bare facts.

Last night I arrived home, looked at the phone, answered a text message and sent a few. I hung up on a friend before he called back reminding me crank calling doesn’t work when you have caller ID.

In the office just now a coworker stood in my doorway motionless staring at me before I cocked my head in his direction. We stared at one another in a Mexican standoff fashion before he said,

“Are you okay? I’m here to help you but you have to ask. If there’s anything I can do. We’ve all noticed what your doing around here. Keep doing what your doing.”

By that, does he mean I should keep surfing the web?

Sometimes you just have to throw yourself to the sharks and see what happens and laugh at your coworker as he announces, “I’m in love with a stripper.”