Sunday afternoon my brother and I were driving home from my niece’s birthday party. His wife and children were in the minivan while he and I were having a heart to heart talk. The twenty minute car ride was more than that, it was one of those talks that take years to build a level of comfort, trust, meaning, understanding, and make your skin crawl because he gets you like not many others do. He sees straight through the words I use and understands the deeper meaning,
“You’ve really been protecting yourself lately. I caught up on your site and it’s extremely enigmatic lately. I haven’t been reading regularly because I’ve been busy, but I caught up. You sound sad and confused.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s the way I block others out”
“Like saying you have a fear of commitment.”
“Shut it. I can’t even commit to drapery. Then I’d have to design a whole room around the curtains. “
“There you go again, stop protecting yourself and just let down the walls.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“It is.”
We pass the conversation into work and me explaining my new job. We climb out of the car while I declare, “Yes it’s a word. I didn’t make that one up.”
On my way back into the city I began thinking, ‘when does letting down walls become easy, how do you know when the timing is right?’ I can try to force them down and just BE but when I do, it comes out as one jumbled mess of miscommunication. I can try funny, or maudlin, or succinct and to the point, uninflected, sad, angry, and inspirational. You tell me how to do it and I’ll try. It’s all there, all these things at once, so it’s up to you Brother. You choose, you pick. Give me something. Quid pro quo. I promise to try, you know I will. I will be not sad, but hopeful. I will be the conduit and the beating heart. I am the common multiplier for 200 thousand. I am the perfect amalgam. I was born of both stability and chaos. I have seen everything and nothing. I’ve lived a hundred years and never lived a day. I am emboldened by youth, unfettered and hopeful, though inextricably tied to the past and future – I’m trying to do both. I’m not extraordinary, just me and the reality of the life I know. I am bursting with the hopes of a generation; their hopes soar through me and the written word. Their hopes soar in me as I fight against a hardening heart and say things like, “I’m not bringing my past to this, to us,” because the past has nothing to do with my today.
Can you understand this? I am a pitfall and monstrous, I know. I made this. It has nothing to do with my parents, it’s the creation and product of my environment. An inspiration and cautionary tale. Can you see that I represent our generation? I am a mortal omnivore born of the suburban vacuum + idleness + television + tabloids + Catholicism + alcoholism + fashion. I am TODAY in Neutrogena hair serum trying to strap down the fly away’s with every product I can get my hands on. I am rootless ripped from all foundations, an orphan raising an orphan wanting to take it with items I’ve designed over the years. I have nothing but my friends and my family. I need community, I need feedback, I need love, connection, and I need GIVE AND TAKE. I bleed when people need me and melt the moment I walk through the door as my nieces and nephews yell my name and wrap their tiny arms around me.
I need to know i’m wanted, and that’s real.
I will prove to you through my stories and the angst you hear in the words you read that I will try to stand before you feeble and strong. Something bad will happen because I’ve seen this many times and you’ve heard the stories. We only have so much time on Earth, that sounds ridiculous but what if I was swallowed in a sinkhole on the way to the gym?
I’m just sayin’ it could happen.
