Texans Vs. Cowboys
Boo T.O. - Check
Insert one of my Best Girls - Check
Meet Cute Boy - Check
Yard Margarita’s - Check
Laugh at Wendi - Check
Texans Win - Check
Spend next day relaxing at the pool and have overdue conversation with Iraq - Check
{August 28, 2007} It was a good one.
{August 22, 2007} inspired by Ali - That Someone
Someone has a father, She hasn’t seen in almost a year
Someone has a mother, who acts like Sally Field
Someone has a lover, an addiction possesses her
Someone has a dear friend she would lay down in 5 o’clock traffic for, cancer stalks her
Someone seeks what they don’t know how to receive
Someone lives beyond their means
Someone lives without any and is trying to find their place in the world
Someone has Sisters and Brothers that adore her but don’t understand her
Someone fears change
Someone loves change, it’s staying complacent that scares the hell out of Her
though the present is terrifying
Someone else hides behind money
Someone thinks he has control of her, he’s there and she’s here
Someone holds tight to a pillow wishing things had turned out differently
Someone thinks he knows his way when I know he can’t figure a map to safely reach the next minute
Someone’s mother waits for her to smile and her sister to call
Someone loves to hear her laugh and that certain way she says, “Pop!”
Someone lies next to the phone hoping this will all be okay
Someone loses and someone gains
Someone misses his gaze
Someone text messages her Father when she is having a bad day and need, “I miss you honey, I’m going for a bike ride – you should too.”
Someone knows that’s sincere and that’s real
Someone only wants the one she can’t reach
Someone says Boo and jumps out of her skin
The skin we comfortably say we’re home in until life settles in, stretches out, wakes us up.
Someone knows she itches and needs the calamine lotion.
{August 20, 2007} This I know
In Heaven there will be applesauce, high top sneakers and duvets. You won’t need to give explanations, apologies or change for a dollar. There will be no alarm clocks, tube socks or allergies to gluten. Friendships and milk will never sour with age. Love will grow taller than Jack’s Beanstalk. You will never lose the receipt, your sanity, or a bet with your brother. Stamps will be free, scratch that, stamps will not be necessary.. You won’t have the same argument, with the same person, in the same way for years on end. In fact- you won’t argue at all. Calories won’t count, in fact, food is not necessary. Alcohol is a side step and socializing is spent by looking down at those below and zapping them with butterflies to help the one’s we left behind. Sex is shared with the one who got away on Earth or your husband/wife. Childhood pets run by your side and the lessons you never figured out suddenly become clear as white noise.
Oh, and green gummy bears will fall from the sky like raindrops.
{August 16, 2007} you are missed
Marcus and I were neighbors at Amli Memorial Heights. We were good friends who hung out on random nights watching t.v. and silly movies. He was a goof ball and for that I adored him. He loved shoes, Puma sneakers, more than I like my K-Swiss. A favorite memory of mine, of him, is one night we were going out. I was leaving his apartment to go home to get ready and said, ” my door’s unlocked just come over when you’re ready.” I went home and got in the shower. As I came out of the bathroom I saw Marcus bare naked on my bed with face down, ass up.
Jess: “Marcus! What are you doing?”
Marcus: “I’m ready!”
http://www.claytonfuneralhomes.com/obits/?p=109#more-109
After I recovered from laughing, “Marcus, put your clothes on.”
Marcus: “I’m just messin.”
Jess: “You’re like my brother.”
Marcus: “Your really hot brother.”
Jess: “From another Mother.”
{August 13, 2007} oh why not
Aubree, Christy, Shannon Kim, Me, Brittney and Cathy
Aubree, Christy, Shannon, Kim, Me and Cathy
{August 13, 2007} not well
Somedays you go through life and everything seems fine. I woke on Courtney’s couch after being summoned over in case psycho man with golf club came back to her house. The cops were on their way and Surely, he would be no match for a tipsy blonde and a red head.
The day was going well and I was being extremely productive for a Monday when it happpened. The song on the radio rushed a picture show of memories at me.
I
Lost
It
A flood of memories took over my head. I want nothing to do with them. If only there was an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to erase these memories…..I would be a much happier person today. And at that, I am turning OFF the damn radio.
“Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it.”
- Swedish Proverb and my next tattoo on my shoulder blade
{August 12, 2007} even i’m lost on this one
It was the first time in my life I worried about making a bad impression. I’ve been somewhat of the opinion that upon meetinh someone for the first time we will hit it off and be instant pals; or they are one of those rare personalities that I immediately dislike, kind of like crocks but packaged better. Being soft, gets you nowhere. Women who beg and cajole to get what they want are not only stupid, they are traitors that tarnish the rest of us, and back step the women’s right movement. I find it more effective to stand your own and look someone square in the eye upon meeting them. That way, they respect you, even if they know enough of your background to hate you already. But usually, they are drawn to you because you have faith in yourself, an irresistible trait. You see them watching, wondering what you’re up to while you do the same and look for common ground. You like me? I like you. Cool. We can hang.
This time around, I wasn’t so sure if this strategy was going to work. I began feeling doubt. Maybe, if I just let it all go; maybe if I just this once I had faith that something good could come out of it. Maybe if I just stopped worrying and put down the drink, if not today, nor tomorrow but in future tense.
Maybe, just maybe…but that’s a while away.
{August 9, 2007} some days
Some day just plain difficult to sit in the office. All I can do is just stare at the computer screen, wondering what I’m supposed to be doing. Then I’ll stare out the window and think about flying. Then I’ll stare back at the computer screen. It’s hell I tell you.
{August 7, 2007} Happiness
When someone takes a look at my life and tells me I should be happy with my life, I start trying to measure it with a ruler. When the Ladies and I are sitting pool side sharing stories or making fun of the drunkards who hit on all of us the night before, we roar with laughter. Is that happy? My cat, Jo, is sitting on my lap, her purrr rumbles through me and I sigh, that’s happy, surely. I buy my groceries at Whole Foods and share small talk with the girl whose left arm is a sleeve of tattoos. She has five, no eight earrings in her right ear and three in her left. Her blue eyes sparkle with a sense of peace and her perky, yet not overly anxious smile is soothing. But, is she happy?
Self-interrogation is dangerous. Your inner voice announces the obvious, “You don’t realize how happy you are until it’s gone,” as though it’s something you need to regularly keep an eye out for, thus making you feel worse than you already did. But you are not to blame. Happiness does not fall naturally like rain from the sky. It can trickle away silently, evaporating over months and years until one day you feel a sense of hollowness. Or it fades away all at once due to a mistepped night leaving you stranded for months on end and unable to push through the darkness. You glance around and despite all your glorious and grandiose successes, you have nothing – you feel nothing. And you certainly don’t feel happy.
The good and unreported news that is rarely circulated news, outside of therapists and prescription drugs, is that you can find happiness again. It’s not something that trails away in the breeze like a balloon floating away in the sky. Finding happiness and realizing you are standing dead center in the heat of its light may be a bit of a trek that’s well worth the adventure. I’m full proof of that. I’ve discovered what people are really like and seen the chasms down below. I’ve sat with my dark side the public rarely sees; questioning it, cautioning it and fighting myself from within. I spent months wanting to phrase letters to loved one’s correctly then deleted them entirely; month, after month, after month because I was trapped in sheer pain inside the confines of a memory.
After a brief hiatus, I did find happiness again; I was able to laugh uncontrollably and surprised myself at the joy of hearing my external laugh. I was able to get back to me, a stronger, leaner, tougher version of me that could take it or leave it. That’s what I tell myself anyway, when the truth of the past and times spent “walking in the rain” cause tears to swell in my eyes at certain songs or flashbacks of memories. I wonder about those I’ve left behind and the stories I’ve missed out on. I wonder. I do. At least now, I’m able to do it with a smile to wipe away the tears. At least now I’m happy.
I miss you.
{August 1, 2007} tonight
Tonight I sat outside on the patio alone and saw you.
I saw you there as I did last you were here, sitting in a chair across from me. Later, you left the empty package of smokes on my counter. I contemplated holding on to the pack wondering if I would hear from you again or to simply dismiss.
Tonight, you were in jeans and t-shirt and I was sitting across from you with legs curled under me listening.
I saw the hurt, concern and heart in your eyes; you saw me and who I am.
You spoke, I listened and I talked while you listened.
Tonight, I send this with trepidation but tonight I am thankful because you were with me but even for a moment.
But today…I’m here and you are miles away.
