It will start without you knowing it. It will creep up on you in tiny increments until there is no turning back. And you realize now it’s smart that it happens in tiny steps, because if you knew that it was going to happen, you’re not sure you would think yourself ready. You would find an excuse to dislike it, look for a way to prevent it. One day your feelings will get hurt and instead of sending an angry email you will decide to sleep on it. You will say sorry first when it’s your fault, and you will mean it when you say it. You will wear more sunscreen and a little less dark eyeliner. You find that you give as many handshakes as high fives and more pats on the back. You will find that life suddenly begins to eat up your time and daily two hour phone calls about every detail of your best friend’s life no longer happen. All of a sudden not every lip gloss you own will be named after a berry. You will learn that sometimes people are better off not knowing, and you will be able to keep your secrets secret. You won’t apologize for leaving the party early, for not dating someone who uses large stacks of pornography as a nightstand or for things out of your control. You will realize no man is worth the time you’ve spent agonizing on the what if’s in a relationship. You will know he is lucky to have you. You will floss more. When your friends talk of their houses, they are no longer referring to the ones their dad built them in a tree. They own their own and their mortgage will cost more than their bar tabs. They drive cars without rust, wear high heels without teetering and tell you they love you at times other than 3am. You will learn to say it without expecting to hear I love you back. They will have offices and responsibilities and suddenly you will know that you can count on them to be there not just for the party, but for the funeral. They will not always know what to say, but they will know that they need to be there. And they will know that is enough. Suddenly you will know more married people than not- and it doesn’t scare you. You will find yourself a part of a club that you didn’t know existed. A club where people talk about 401k’s and wine and all the excellent television found on a Thursday night. At first you are reluctant to join the club, but you know you can’t go back. So you stay, not always knowing what to say or how you fit in but then you realize being here is less stressful, less dramatic. You find that you feel… relieved, happier to know that there is a life outside the world you knew. You realize this new group also talks about goals, the future and they say things like ‘when we do this’ not ‘if we can ever do this’- and that comforts you. They own plants that don’t die, ideas that are theirs and know the ingredients to crème Brule.But sometimes, you will feel wistful. The great stories of dancing all night and drinking from contraptions held together with duct tape will feel over. You will miss the late nights but can now recall the painful mornings. You will fondly remember spending all your money on shoes and clothes but now like the idea of a home and savings accounts, flying on private jets and not knowing what city you will be in tomorrow. That alone is exciting and you will know you created this new life for yourself, you own it – all the past and look forward to the future.You will know your friends love you cause you’ve screwed up, they have been there for you and there is not a thing you won’t do for them. You will know love and not settle for less. And then, you will get on a plane and have to leave, because that’s the world you live in. And she will know – we are sisters through and through. No harsh words or ill moments will break your love. You will realize your parents are your best friends and try as they did to screw you up – they did the best they could with the tools they had. Cause let’s face it, you’re nothing with out knowing you know nothing and no one knows anything. But this right here is knowing you are well on your way of becoming the adult you dreamt of.
I have a thing for danger, and in the danger department is Tim. He’s traveled the world, spent time in war zones fighting fires and could charm the pant suit off Hillary Clinton. One look from across the room with his steel blue eyes, chiseled face, 6’4” strong build and I became Kelly from Top Gun in a “Take me to bed and lose me forever,” fashion.
Silently we stood in the moonlight under a star filled Arizona sky in the middle of a cross roads. Me armed with the uncertainty I packed in my suitcase and him with sugar, vinegar and military attitude.
“You’re doing the same thing you did in Houston, you’re skating round,” he’d say.
“I’m not skating anything, I’m telling you how it came across,” I’d retort.
“Don’t interrupt me,” he’d bark.
Cause when he war angry, run on sentenances were in style and when he was sweet, I’d swoon in the middle of home depot.“Imagine if we were buying stuff for our house, you’d be like the cheapest stuff isn’t going to fly.” I pursed my lips fighting back thoughts of lawn mowers and baby strollers to enter my thought train even though I was secretly hoping for matching wedding bands and laughing at a drunk uncle on a wedding night.
Hours later we’d be in the car in the midst of a car following us to close. He’d pull over with me sitting idle and listening to stories of him chasing down a road raged driver while offering up a fight in a nobody fucks with me attitude. Cause when he was crossed, his temper flared which caused me to respond to my friends, “I’m not sure if this is going to hold water.” This I knew before I left because when I am in fear, I sabotage things.
The following morning I’d kiss him on the cheek and sneak into his ear, “I’m going for a run, I’ll be back in an hour.” An hour and thirty later I’d have come to a walk watching a silver Land Rover pull up to me, “You were gone longer than an hour and I was going for coffee…..” Cause when he was sweet, he was adorable.
After returning from coffee I’d be ready to hop in the shower and sprawled the contents of my suitcase on the floor. He’d pass by to kiss me, stop and say, “We could never live together.” I’d snap into my shell responding, “Dude, I’m trying to figure out what to wear especially since I’m meeting your parents and lucky for you we don’t have to worry about that.” He’d respond wounded, “I could live with my Ex. She did my laundry and cleaned the house.” I’d run into the bathroom knowing I’m not a caterer or a maid thinking I’d do that for you if I loved you too. Hadn’t I played house with The Choker? Played very well, indeed. He’d tell me later that he was joking in a red tornado just struck again fashion. I’d laugh and think he never should have said such a joke cause when emotions are involved I can fuck with my head better than anyone.
Hours later we’d walk out of a restaurant against my insisting, “a salad is just fine” because there were no other vegetarian options. He’d want to please me and see me happy and I’d be just fine because I was with him. But he is a pleaser and when pleasing is to be had, he’s all about it.
We’d drive to another restaurant with windows down, bass blaring and people staring. He’d turn to me, brush my pinky and say, “People are looking at us. They see the car, look at me and then see you and think ‘that’s a hot couple’ Baby we’re a hot couple.” I’d laugh and mention something about me drooling in my sleep and think how cocky that was of him to say but knowing he’s right.
Later, I’d talk to Tiffany and tell her the story. She’d say, “But Jess – you like cocky.” I’d retort something about not liking arrogant but could deal with it. Cause when I fall, I fall hard.
Back under the Arizona sky he’d sit down to talk and I’d stand up to leave. “You’re walking away,” he’d say. Wounded and guarded I’d pull my wings under me and tell him I wasn’t walking away, I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I’d sit down to talk and he’d stand up to leave.
The next morning I’d get on a shuttle to leave and he’d drive away.
And the next day, I’d be more confused when he called cause when I like someone I need a map.
I’m off to Arizona then Vegas and Dallas the day after I return home. It’s been a whirlwind of travel this past month between South Carolina, Miami and a few other unmentionable places. Here’s a photo of us doing self defense training for flight school.
- I promise stories when I get back and I hope not anything of the, “I sat down to talk and he stood up to leave type.”
