Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | May 11, 2005

Skipping Record

Apparently he works on Quarters, calling every 3 months to see if his lossess have made any gains or future investments. Babe, it’s like a 401K you forgot to transfer – time to chalk it up as a loss.

A Year Ago – b/c he called today
Children should be told that a good thing in life will not wait forever.
We spend 6 months of our lives waiting in line passing time waiting for things to happen. Standing there unable to move. Blood racing through our veins, cells mutating, heart pounding, growth and reproduction is inevitable.

But there I stood in my sterile world unable to move waiting.

And I stopped reading the strategically placed emails while my cell phone remained silent. So that any live conversations are postponed until “he is READY” to deal with it. Maybe it is not that he does not love or is being selfish, maybe he just exists in every current moment (why I think I should feel little better). Perhaps he is in love with being in love. Like a child who gets a new toy leaving behind the older tattered one. The new one appears shiny. For that moment, he ranks his trip to gym, or a drink with that woman he said was a buddy a higher priority than me.

Marginal utility of everything around him is deemed equal, conveniently, so that in that make believe equilibrium, it is justified for him to not sacrifice one thing over another, me over others.
For each moment I am spending wondering about what we had, between us I am over-drafting my bank of dignity and self respect. All the while putting it in a bottomless bag of love that I was dying to hang on to, scared to lose, unable to leave behind, and ready to share.

But in the world of love by the selfish and the weak-hearted, we will only be truly missed when we are gone, not being there when in demand.
I did not want to stay around for Mr. Preoccupied while I continue acting cool and aloof.

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Responses

  1. the pat benatar thing was a joke, sass.


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