Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | May 16, 2005

Table dance

ĒSometimes your independent to a fault.Ē She told me not meaning it as the compliment I took it as. I like to do things on my own and have a problem asking for help. Iím not a soldier wounded in battle who needs others to lean on.
I donít do victim.
Itís weak and causes people to look at you as though you need help. HELP! Sometimes itís a personís weakness that endears you to them. Once their fixed they arenít as likeable. Iím full of dysfunctions and weaknesses. I donít wear them on my sleeve, the badge of neurosis. The black tape on my arm like a platoon remembering a fallen hero.
Dramatic, but not tragic.

We all maneuver our way through the dark looking for the same basic necessities in life. Food, water, clothing, shelter, love and companionship. Each of us unique in our very own way. I love the ME that I am and despise the unglued obsessive needy me I become in relationships. Minutes turn into hours as I try to answer all of the unanswered questions. Wondering when and if he will call or ask to see me. Dashing for my phone after a brief recess when it is not tucked safely in my pocket looking for missed calls. The incessant emails shared between my girlfriends and I hypothesizing his next move. I become unglued and vulnerable. I despise being vulnerable I would rather be single and free to be a tourist in my own city than sitting at home waiting and wondering when heís going to call. I hate that girl.

The needy codependent gal is only satiated by him

This is why I will sabotage a relationship. I will flee from a relationship scared of losing the ME and becoming an US faster than the speed of light. Youíll blink and Iíll be gone wondering what happened and where things went wrong. At the first hint of rejection I will be lacing up my emotional self ready to sprint away. By the time you notice I am gone I have lapped you twice. Itís a lot easier to wave the white flag and throw a left hook in defense than to wonder why your not here. This is my weapon of fear.

I really like you
Donít tell me that
Why? I do
Iíll run, itís what I do. Show me donít tell me

File under introspection


  1. I don’t know if it’s good or bad that you are very aware

  2. The younger version of me would have been waiting by the phone, listening to his every word. Actions do speak a lot louder

  3. “I’ll give it due reflection
    Watching from the fence
    Give the jury direction
    Based on the evidence
    I, the jury”

  4. I the jury, am guilty by association and self deprecation.
    The irony is enormous. I am really good at being in a relationship but on the way I trip and stumble.

  5. Huge fan of your new design.

  6. That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, “As you wish,” what he meant was, “I love you.”
    And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.

    Using words to evoke emotions is cheap and artificial. When deep emotions are truly present, the most trivial of phrases will melt your heart.


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