Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | June 30, 2005

Peace

He didn’t mean to break your heart and you didn’t intend to let him, yet you feel it like poison ivy crawling through your core.

The world will seem cold and distant. Life seems to move at a slower pace as you stand still watching the world revolve around you. You force your actions as you go through the motions.

Opening your eyes in the comfort of your bed – arms reach and grasp the emptiness. The heaviness of your arms expand through the room as loneliness takes over the tone. Your eyes move to the ceiling fan, mesmerized by the mechanical swirl – the sun gleams through the blinds kissing you awake; you wish it was him… raising your hand to your eyes and pulling the covers over your head, wanting and needing to crawl back into the safety of the cocoon. The longing sets in. Minutes, maybe even hours later, you pry yourself out of bed. One foot after the other, and question if your legs can hold the weight of the heart.

Wearily you walk into the kitchen aware of the blinking clock and the flashing light of your phone. Coffee or Red Bull will only make you more alert to this aching of the heart.

Twisting the shower knob to ON you remove your clothing, one limb at a time and slide the door open stepping into the rain – turning the temperature from hot to cold ….satiation to torture. Water pelting down your shoulders caressing the soul with the love of purity once again.

Tears have become evasive as you rationalize the situation. Desiring and needing to feel better

Moving through the day every song is sweeter, word’s louder, dead lines looming … none of it matters.

People will be cold, heartless, and self absorbed wishing and wanting the best for you while inquiring how you’re doing. Stepping back and taking you in awaiting your answer. Trepidatiously the glaze on your face moves from forced happiness spread like Prozac to the look of a lost 5 year old in the grocery store. You tell yourself and inform others, “I’m great. Really. Want to grab a drink?” Faking it every step of the way trying to convince others in hopes of convincing yourself.

Numb

Pain

Disillusionment.

Drink after drink you feel better then hear a faint laughter. Startled you realize it’s your own.

“Last call!”

Reality takes center stage as you turn to say, “Babe, it’s time to go,” he’s not there.

Sober now, something snaps, the close of the button or click of a file cabinet. Hidden under layers of strife, you tuck it safe inside. The friendship will develop after the heartache has healed. At that moment you realize, there really is life after heartache.

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Responses

  1. great entry !!!

    i think most all of us can relate to this.

  2. Wow. The neighbor really did you in.

  3. Wow, sass, I don’t know what to say. I think we’ve all been there with ya.

  4. I rarely write in present tense when it comes to matters of the heart

  5. Good to know. Glad you’re doing much better now than you were back then.

  6. you’re words are poetry
    thank you Jess you move me

  7. and then once i clicked post…
    i noticed I said you’re and not your
    I’m such an idiot lol

  8. Mmmm, yeah. The pain of reaching for or talking to someone who is no longer there, that takes your breath away. Sadly felt, nicely written.

  9. What makes me sad is that sometimes the friendship never comes…

    In any case, I totally relate to this.

  10. Read this over the weekend and though of you and this post. It’s Shakespeare, from Much Ado about Nothing.

    Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
    Men were deceivers ever,
    One foot in sea and one on shore,
    To one thing constant never:
    Then sigh not so, but let them go,
    And be you blithe and bonny,
    Converting all your sounds of woe
    Into Hey nonny, nonny.

    Sing no more ditties, sing no more,
    Of dumps so dull and heavy;
    The fraud of men was ever so,
    Since summer first was leafy:
    Then sigh not so, but let them go,
    And be you blithe and bonny,
    Converting all your sounds of woe
    Into Hey nonny, nonny.


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