Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | July 27, 2005

Lust in Costume

I’m trying unsuccessfully not to get cranky as I watch the work pile up on my desk. Desperately wanting to get out of here at a decent hour to join Sarah for martini’s and manicures at La Strada. Ooh la la. Work has doubled, stress tripled, red bull is my energy. I’ve learned I need small breaks during the day to maintain mental focus and sanity. My smoke breaks with out the cigarette. Performing my check ups on each of you by reading your blogs. I have to know you are all okay. Blogs are the new reality TV, ya know. This practice prevents me from stapling my hands or gorging on the bowl of M&M’s (more than once a day).

I seem to be addicted to having a crazy love life as much as I’m addicted to writing about it. I could chalk some of it up to bad luck and bad choices, but I think there’s some secret part of me that is deathly afraid of settling. It’s now I hear my mother’s voice inside my head, “A woman seeks a man on her level” Suck it. I allowed the potential to walk out of my life and I out of his. He was everything I wanted in life… at the time. Hung over on the accidental love I felt like a baby sucking rum, unrightfully happy. We pushed equally and walked knowing the end would be tragic. I realize now it would not have ended as I … as we believed it would have. Just as fate interferes, time gives you hindsight. I began to understand where the relationship was wrong and unequal. He was the wrong kind of right with the charisma to boot.

One glance or twitch of the eyebrow was enough to move me from reserved to porn star. Dropping the bags in hand running across the room with a leap into his arms and wrapping my legs around his waist as his back hit the wall. Kisses smothering one another with momentarily “I love you’s”.

Wrong.

After a while your realize that having a quarter inch of something you have a better chance of holding on to the real thing when you find it. That relationship wasn’t the happy ending I long for. The happy ending both my sisters and both my brothers have found. Speaking of which, I am going to a family reunion in Ohio next weekend. The question is bound to be asked by some drunk relative I barely know or care to, “So how does it feel to be the only one not married.” I realize “BITE ME!” will not be an appropriate response, but tempting.

I was tethered in lust balancing the tight rope. I gave to much and lost more than I will admit. The swan on a leash wishing for a sunset. Allowing myself to become the weak and needy inferior in the relationship. Justice was not blind, the scales were tipped, balance was off. The real and true love was absent. Lust and potential was present.

The real – ideal is and should be a tortoise and hair where neither the tortoise nor the hair wins. It’s equal. Backs may turn with pistols drawn we’ll walk the ten steps drawing equality. Alternately vacillating between the tortoise and the hair. Pushing and gaining on life for one another to be our best. We will Veni Vidi Vici the world together.

Is that to much to ask for while I swing on my star?

I began writing this several hours ago and missed martini’s and a badly needed manicure.

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Responses

  1. Very fun reading…Martini anyone?

  2. Somebody should take Sass out for a manicure tomorrow morning.

    Just blow off work, Sass. Thursday is practically the weekend to me.

  3. Thomas,
    If only it were that easy. I am heading out the door to Beaumont for appts. today. Does it get any better?

  4. Oh cry me a river. You’re hot, smart, funny, you have great friends, and have a great job. Yeah, you’re life sucks.

    I wouldn’t worry too much. I’m sure you’ll find the right guy, or maybe you’re not ready to find the right guy. Who knows, but at least you have great friends and a ton of stuff going for you.

  5. um j… a little harsh, no?
    i think sass has proven that she can always see the positive side of things, and continues to live her life to the fullest no matter what…

  6. That’s my point, Sarah. She has a ton of positive in her life. She’s has so many great things going for her. The fact that she hasn’t found a guy yet only means that she hasn’t found one she deems worthy. If saying that is harsh, that call me a selfish, uncaring, harsh bastard.

  7. You do seem to have a lot going for you, and I’m sure it won’t be long til you get your happily ever after.

    Your trip to Ohio sounds like one of Bridget Jones!

  8. Justin’s comment didn’t read as harsh to me. Just a friendly swat on the ass, perhaps. Allowed between friends.

    I gotta learn that eyebrow twitch maneuver though.

  9. Wait, all the love stuff aside… Manicures at La Strada?

  10. martinis…chocolate ones…and lots of them…i feel you on the love bit…

  11. No, it’s not too much to ask. It’s just very elusive. Seems I’m not the only one chasing it around.

  12. Thomas – Ronda and I have planned “spa day” for Sunday (woo hoo)

    J – I love my life. It’s my blog – I’ll say what I want when I want and yes, I do realize timing is everything in love and orgasms. If that’s harsh or sounds like I am complaining maybe I am. Only because this blog is my outlet and the one place I can release and whine.

    Sarah – Thank you.

    Kiki – yeah you have no idea how Bridget Jones next weekend will be. I am the last single in the cousins

    Alison – La Strada has “Martini’s and Manicures” every Wednesday. $5.00 martini’s GULP

  13. Ah, he reads your blog and thinks he knows you. You’re choosy, yes…but superficial about love? Never. There’s a deeper reason you don’t blindly seek out relationships – something having to do with self-protection and wisdom and the desire for something real.

    Let me at ‘im. 🙂

    S.

  14. I think the “Bite Me!” response would be completely appropriate. Thought provoking and honest…what more can you want. Tell you what, if I’m in your neck of the woods, I’d be happy to be the waist you could wrap your legs around. Okay, that sounded worse than it was intended to but I’m only quoting your story. Anyway, stiffen up that upper lip and get the martini.

  15. I was sat in my sister’s living room, waiting for my ride, as my sis was preparing for a “first date” with a guy she meet through a mutual friend. She seemed to always be dating someone new and this wasn’t anything special. My ride arrives just before her date, so I got the chance to meet him in the driveway. I introduced myself and we shared a second of small talk before making my way to the car. As I got in, my girlfriend asked whom he was. I told her he was my sister’s date and that she was going to marry him. How, I knew that, I couldn’t tell you. I just did. The wedding was 4 months later.
    I believe you can look at someone and know they are the one for you, I just haven’t experienced for myself.

  16. Sass -> Let me quote a lines from one of my fav. classes in college.

    “Drinking Helps” (Drinking 101)

    😉

  17. OK, I’m not usually a spell demon but this one was funny. . .
    Bowl of M&Ms.
    Eating out of a bowel of M&M’s is just nasty.

  18. It’s one of those candy dishes I keep in my office. It’s a nasty addiction I know

  19. That was the funny part. You put “bowel” in your post. I don’t care how good M&M’s may be, I ain’t eating out of no bowels.

  20. Damn spell check and my typos. I am pretty lazy when it comes to editing.


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