Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | August 15, 2005


NO. NO. NO. It was not supposed to happen like this. We practiced breaking up over and over but t’was all at my request. Not his. I want to stomp my foot and bang the ground. Throw a temper tantrum on the tile square standing in the middle of the kitchen. Right now. The band aide was laid over the wound week after week. He ripped it off stinging my core as the hair was pulled out from the root. It wasn’t supposed to end like this

(**Sting like a bee and am ready to fly like a bird. Done that. Must turn over new leaf.**)

She was telling me this after a long evening of wine and celebration of her 27th year.

“He tried to cheat but he couldn’t even follow through”

“Would you want to be with someone who can start things but can’t finish? Imagine what sex would be like ten years from now.”

She began to laugh as we moved from the kitchen to her living room. The party had ended hours before but much conversation to be had of love, like, and temporary satisfaction. Space fillers. Really. That’s all they’ve been. For that we must be grateful for feelings of depth and lack there of.

There’s things I know and things I will never understand. Try as I may, I continue to guess and grasp looking for the answers.
Do you ever really know? We got into this conversation Friday night in the middle of the most inappropriate place. Half naked gals were gallivanting around with men offering to buy drinks in hopes of not waking up alone.

“No, you don’t. Everything just seems right. I still want to jump his bones when I look at him. And his name’s not Andrew. “
“You think it’s more of a initial attraction and meeting of the minds? A feeling of settled? You seem ….so happy as are so many I know. You found love so young.”

Dreamily she replies, “Yeah” but we have our days I finish for her as she turns to look for him. With out a doubt, he hears it all standing at a safe protective distance to her right.

It’s a topic that comes to the surface like scum on a pond and grilled cheese sandwiches. When you’ve been cheated on because the timing wasn’t right for you or him all respect was lost. It’s then you realize the respect never was or what we deemed a “good thing” was thrown away in two seconds when his lips met hers. He wasn’t ready for Respect. Perhaps you weren’t either. It’s a matter of timing and a feeling of “settled” with yourself before you can be open to respecting yourself and another.

Picky some may say and question why she’s still single. It’s a mix of ingredients and licking the cake batter before the eggs are added.
Jaded or Dreamer? We wear them well and can’t deny the past makes our today. “I don’t want to be anyone other that I’m trying to be lately” We are the past with hopes for the future


  1. You had me at cake batter.

  2. Are you kidding me? She’s too cute for it to sting for very long.

  3. yes.

  4. Where does this go from here, Jessica?

  5. I don’t know Thomas – if I did then I’d write more about rainbows and butterflies

  6. I like rainbows and butterflies. I don’t think a person can blog too much about them. 🙂

  7. It’s always so interesting, the way you put you craft you life into one long thought. No diss to Thomas, but rainbows and butterfly’s are boring. Your life isnt.

  8. Beautifully written, Jessica. Love the Gavin quote, too.

  9. Actually, my TV watching leads me to believe that it’s a misquote, but it’s a good misquote.

  10. I agree with Timmortal. It’s the bad that makes it real and also appreciate and know what’s good.

  11. Though the good can also point out what is the bad.


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