Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | August 23, 2005

Prime Time

I sat on hold listening to radio music while the receptionist tended to other callers. Dave Matthews “American Baby” came to an end as the next song qued up.
“ I’m not a perfect person
There’s many things I wish I didn’t do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you “The Reason” by Hoobastank

For the moment, I forgot where I was. I felt heavier and nailed down to what, I didn’t know. Maybe my medulla oblongata was refusing to take the crap I sent up my cerebrum. That had to be it. No, no, no. The reconstruction started long ago and this had been over for quite some time. Why then was I allowing a song I have listened to numerous times to bother me so? My knees began to shake as I fought the urge to hang up the phone
“I’m sorry who are you waiting for?”
“She’s seeing patients can I take a message”

Hastily I left a message and tried pulling myself together.
‘Okay, okay enough already’, said a little voice inside my head. How did you get here? How did you get to feeling as though you want to crawl under your desk by hearing a song? A SONG? I got here by making the best out of a former relationship and a series of choices.

I forced myself to snap out of the hypnotic glaze and focus on the starched corporate environment. I had to get out of my office if even for a moment. Grabbing a pen and paper I sauntered down the corridor into the Ring Leaders office. I muttered something about copying the design from his white board.

“You okay? Your face is all red.”
“I’m sick” I did have a sinus infection so it wasn’t a total lie.
“Your eyes are all red. Is anything bothering you?” His way of ensuring he had a healthy employee on his hands. Sell Sell Sell
“No. Nothing is bothering me”

I thought about that no. It sounded like the “no” of a kid playing touch football who just had the three biggest kids in school tag her by knocking her down and sitting on her. They asked me if I was hurt. I said no. I was lying. “Let me rephrase that. It’s personal; I’ll keep it at that.” He didn’t need to know and did not care to.

I retold Kristina the story of hearing a song at the office and feeling like I had been bound, gagged, and shackled to a distant memory. I’ve loved, lost, and dismissed men. I’ve poured my heart and soul into romance and flings never wanting to let go, not then anyway. Human touch and connection seems so simple. I told her of the amazing men I have dated and the one’s I never gave a chance to because I was in a bad place or it was not convenient for me. I can rationalize almost anything. K’s on vacation and looking out at the ocean as she dreamily responds,

“When it’s true love, nothing will get in the way. When you know, it won’t matter where you are. It will be worth fighting for.”

Sometimes you don’t know. The circumstances surrounding can be complicated leaving both parties in a state of turmoil. The intensity of highs, lows, and empty promises whispered over a bottle of wine. Plans change with moods like a hyper color shirt. We’re a nation of need, want, and immediate satisfaction. We stand in front of the microwave wanting it all now and speeding things along. We lack patience to understand the meaning of a promise and certainty of a handshake. The nuclear family is no longer the norm but one of divorce and prenups. Society has disillusioned the 20 and 30 somethings that happily ever after is peaches and roses. I wonder if it was easier for other generations? Even though, we try our best and exhaust the relationship trying to force love’s rebirth. A promise was lost or perhaps never should have been spoken.

In this day and age when styles change at the flick of a button. Gay is the new straight and straight is the new gay. Wait – that fad is over the scruffy man is coming back in style (thank-goodness). We evolve in our careers, goals, and future outlooks. Constant change. We long for the tandem growth, but let’s face it, it’s easier to dismiss someone than to love them.

I don’t know if this makes me happy or sad, having never worn others shoes. I do know that in the end you realize, if you have a quarter inch of something, if even for a brief moment, you have a better chance of holding on to something real that’s worth fighting for.


  1. been divorced. sometimes the promise is just impossible to keep, despite all your best effort.

  2. I like that song. I’m sorry it had such an odd effect on you, though. That really sucks. Maybe it was just the medication …

  3. Interesting, many people including myself seem to be reflecting on these kinds of things, though I haven’t posted anything yet. All I can say is that this is an excellent post. And I totally hear you on all of this.

  4. I tend to be a cynical and aloof person because of some of the things you talked about. This whole process seems more difficult than I would have thought when I was a little younger.

    Though I would rather be you, Jessica, because it seems like you are still trying to make things work. I concede that I don’t think about getting close to people for awhile. And then that becomes your pattern. Which becomes hard to break out of.

    And you have people out here (in addition to your friends that you know in person) who are rooting for you. So there.

  5. *sniffle*
    I’m there with ya babe.

  6. You’re a very talented writer. I enjoyed reading this and I certainly know where you’re coming from.

  7. So i tried to leave a comment yeserday and i couldnt. It was a good one too dammit.

    “Plans change with moods like a hyper color shirt.”

    Would you really have it any other way. It’s an adventure. If it all went according to plan we’d be bored…

    Another great post.

  8. Timing is everything.

  9. When you figure this out, please let me know.

  10. “The Reason” gets me every time.

  11. Initially, I thought you were lucky to be on hold to Dave Matthews; telephone waiting music is usually intensely annoying. However, I suppose it was not such a fortunate event, if it rekindled such memories and evoked such emotions.

    I can sympathize and empathize with you.

  12. You keep making these distracting references back in time in your posts. Didn’t you realize how terrible that is for obessive-compulsives like me? I simply *must* read these references!

    And, I have to tell you, reading your blog I rather feel like I’m reading the head cheerleader’s diary, at her request. It’s exciting and scary and throws my off my timing. I get the same feeling, more or less, when you leave complimentary comments on my blog. Like the head cheerleader just wandered into the Chess Club and sat down next to me. Cool, but freaky and distracting in an interesting way.

    You’re really something special, you know?

  13. Thanks N.G. that means a lot. And thanks for the chuckle as I read that.


%d bloggers like this: