Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | November 9, 2005

That was a good drum break

Ive been thinking about her a lot lately. Walking down the sidewalk Ill see someone with the same color hair as hers. Chestnut brown with red under tones. For a millisecond I think its her. Then rationale takes over and I feel. There’s an aching inside similar to the way Coldplay songs make me want to slit my wrists.

When we were little we kicked and screamed at one another. Yelled at the top of our lungs and pulled one anothers long hair. Mother would say, Go ahead kill each other. There were days I am sure she meant it. And days shed regret allowing those words to escape her lips. We tried to push one another away and now I long to will her close to me. A decade has passed since our last fight. Today distance interferes with being close to her.

I miss her.

If I call and she doesnt answer, I hold on the phone until it beeps listening for the voice that sounds similar to mine, Hi this is C. Please leave a message. I love the way she says please. She sings it as though it was a one word contagious song demanding politeness. Im sad and happy at the same time. Temporarily soothed by her voice like a teething baby alleviated by rum on the gums. Her emails are easier to take than a phone that doesnt get picked up. They are dauntingly familiar as though I am right there with her as she writes it. I wonder if shell feel the same way when she reads this. Will she understand how miles between us and words left unspoken cant separate or break the bond we have?

Yes, she will.

Nearly six months have passed since Ive seen my older sister. Just writing that makes my eyes swell and my love for her ache. Its been to long. Neither of us are phone people. We have brief five minute phone encounters and share our compassion for one another in mixed up text messages or random gestures of packages in the mail. Never acknowledging there is so much in one anothers lives we have missed in the last several years. Our connections are brief and concise filled with jovial laughter.

J-bird you doing alright?
Yes Sis, I am fine. You?
“We’re doing well.”

Well believe one another of course, after all we are sisters.


  1. I’ve always been a little jealous of the relationships between sisters.

  2. I called my sister-in-law last night to talk to her about some medical issues that my youngest nephew, her youngest son, is having. We talked about that, and other stuff, for almost 45 minutes, after which, I discovered that my brother was in Dallas for business. It was only quite some time afterward that it even occurred to me that perhaps I should call and talk to him, too. Yet, I think of us as close and wouldn’t hesitate to e-mail him about a technical issue that I thought he’d understand.
    Families are strange beasties, aren’t they?

  3. my sister just moved across the country. i hadn’t seen her in about six months until i saw her this past weekend. it was like no time had passed. relationships are hard and require work. familial or otherwise. i believe that. and there is so much wrapped up in that sister relationship, it’s like an intertwined existence, there’s identity tied up in being so-and-so’s sister. i am sorry that you hurt.

  4. a little beck this late in the afternoon? nice.

  5. I got a little teary reading that because I know exactly what you mean.

  6. There is a song called ‘My Sister’ by Juliana Hatfield. Try to pull it up on Napster, Itunes, or whatever and listen to it. I think you might like it.

  7. Thanks Jason. I couldn’t find the song on Itunes but I did find the lyrics. It does indeed sum up how childhood angst turns into love, adoration, and friendship.

  8. Absolutely fabulous as always 🙂

  9. I have so many relationships like this. I’m not a big phone person either so it makes it so hard to keep in contact sometimes!! But the bond and the love are still there.

  10. You’re welcome. I wonder if there are songs like that about brothers. I only have a younger brother and growing up was like tv wrestling. I’m surprised nobody went to the hospital. Now it’s a whole different story.

  11. Closes thing I have to a brother, is the knucklehead that’s down there with you right now. Take care of my boy, I have to admit I’m a lot a bit jealous of you guys right now as I sit here at work. Have so much fun, I’ll be sure to stop by here more often.

    Great post, later


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