Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | December 19, 2005

fireplaces and fondue

My mother spent the day Sunday in the Emergency Room so I kind of feel bad for poking fun at her, but I sorta canít help it. Then she says something off cue while I am Googling talking to her on the phone, ďHoney maybe thatís all life is. Doing the research.Ē

That woman, my mother, breathes life in me with the preservation of the Rod Stewart song Forever Young every day of my life.

****** ******* ****
Bundled in a winter coat with the hood tightly pulled over her head she plucked her hand in the pocket and decided to put an end to it. The woman next to her continued to drone on, she had enough. Her fingers scrolled through the phone in a determined fashion to make the woman stop obsessing over details. She landed on my name and hit send as though she was getting on a plane escaping the conversation for one less cumbersome.


I rolled over the usual five minutes before the alarm went off staring at the ceiling when a buzzing noise emenated from the floor. My sister was giving me a 6:00 am wake up call on her walk to Starbucks with our Mother.

C: You awake?
J: Yes
C: Tsssss. Yeah right, I woke you up, admit it.

I pulled the covers over my head and crawled back inside the cocoon bending my legs into the fetal position

J: No, no. Iíve been awake for a whole ten minutes.
C: Yeah, and you’re getting a boob job.

We both laughed at the sarcasm of her statements.

C: Momís stressing. She thinks youíre going to be upset because she didnít go all out this year and make the house look like the North Pole.
J: Sheís worried what I think? Because the place wonít be perfect for ME?
C: Yeah. Tell her.

She hands the phone to our Very Holy Mother who has a way of drooling Hello with a smile.

VHM: Hellluoo.
J: Youíre not going all out for Christmas? Mother, youíre really setting a bad example.

Laughing she hands the phone back to my sister.

C: And she bought you more mace.

Maybe it worked back in the days of gun slingers doing the ten step waltz and when lunacy was authorized as danger, but mace is a rotten protection weapon for present-day. This world of women trying to protect themselves, and behave like human beings wearing broken brass knuckles acting more like mental cases is down right asinine. Iím putting my shit kicking boots on to complete the last details before I leave and going to my boxing class tomorrow hoping she knows, in the midst of her research, all those lessons hit home. I know itís less about the decorations and more about the company.

I canít wait to leave 65 degree weather and head into a 20 or 30 something degree that feels like a warm 85. Tomorrow night is for a gathering of the closest friends – the one’s that have become a branch of the family we never knew we needed till we realized there also the one’s we can’t live without.


  1. Sounds like my mom, minus the VHM and buying mace. But the decorations thing, she is all over that. Although, I hear that there is not as much this year as in past years.
    Here, though, I get to go from the north valley to the central valley. Maybe one or two degrees warmer there than here, not much.
    Enjoy your visit.

  2. There’s nothing like going home. I hope your travels are safe and your time with the fam is wonderful!

  3. The idea of needing mace more in this city than New York/New Jersey, even for a member of the fairer sex, made me laugh.

    My poor mother has to figure out how to send Christmas in small parcels down here to me. Little tastes of home. I’m not even trying to decorate this year at all. And, she feels guilty that about that. That I’m not decorating. Moms are funny creatures, aren’t they?
    Enjoy the trip home. Soak in the cold and bring some back.

  4. have a safe trip, sass.

  5. Have a safe trip…and I agree with you about friends as family. They are the family you choose.

  6. hope you have a safe trip jess!

  7. Enjoy Jersey! Say hi to Bicyclemark if you run into him.

  8. Safe travels and merry Christmas to you. I hope you get completely saturated with the love and presence of family, and have some Christmas magic as well.

  9. “…the one’s that have become a branch of the family we never knew we needed till we realized there also the one’s we can’t live without.”

    That was the best quote ever. I’m keeping that.

    Have a wonderful time with your family and have a wonderful Christmas!

  10. So did you get a boob job? Oh, have a great trip and if you are feeling threatened by strangers, just act really really odd. It seems to repel attackers.

  11. finally someone listened to me and posted something fun and less dramatic.

    have a safe trip !!!

  12. Thanks for all the well wishes everyone.

    Egan – its kind of a joke b/c if I did my brothers would never stop razzing me.

    Irfan – don’t you know this is how I trick you into watching Jo while I am gone?

  13. For some reason, I’m having a problem responding directly to your email. So sorry we can’t meet up, but I hope we get the chance in the spring! Happy Holidays!

  14. Neither would Hef.

  15. What a sweet post…tell your mom I’m keeping that quote. She’s a genius.

  16. Happy trails, Sassy. Are you really meeting Amanda B? I’m jealous.

  17. Merry Christmas and all the best for the New Year!


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