Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | January 9, 2006

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Its fear. Genuine heart-stopping fear.

Weve all have had those moments in our lives when a short statement, event, sideways glance, or child like smile seem to make our heart stop. You feel the flutter and a literal burst of your chest as your palms begin to sweat.

Ive been waking in the middle of the night unable to fall back asleep because Im afraid my heart will stop beating and I wont wake up. This fear is everything about being irrational. It hovers at the edge of my delirium, like a creature in a childs nightmare waiting to pounce. As irrational as this fear is I know it has a cause and perhaps the only way to discover it is to Google.

Google = Fear of heart stopping no definition only the phrase listed multiple ways.

Heart stopping conclusion
Heart stopping fear
Heart stopping brilliance
Heart stopping moments
Heart stopping conclusion
Heart stopping suspense
Heart stopping matter
Heart stopping conclusion
Heart stopping encounter

Get to the heart of stopping your problem.

Its been making a clamp around my heart in the middle of the night tightening with each breath. I wake to sheets wrapped tightly around my waist and damp with sweat. My heart pounding with a force that would cause men to declare war. Its a sense of feeling someone is hovering, watching, and waiting to hit the off switch.

In the dead of night I lay still feeling my nightmares etch an imprint on my dreams of tomorrow.

This fear is not unwarranted several friends and family have passed in the dead of night with no flares warning an impeding danger. An Uncle in his 40s, a Grandfather who lived through 13 heart attacks. The man of strong will lived through 13 heart attacks. No wonder my Father goes to the gym 6 days a week, rarely eats red meat, has rode multiple MS150’s, and drinks a glass of red wine for his heart.

Waking in the black of night is a new occurance. My heart is strong. Three marathons, countless miles on my road bike (hundreds w/my father), and more trips to the gym then I can multiply on fingers and toes. Ive mentally and physically moved from my past which could be the basis of the barricaded waking nightmare. Why now, at this stage in my life have I been waking at hours only 3rd shift workers and drug addicts know unable to revisit Mr. Sandman?

As I write this, it hits me. Sometimes the truth gets you like that. You realize all your super powers have been warranted defenseless against what you already know. I dont like to admit standing still or going backwards, I suspect its time for a sassy change.

Or my trouble stems from hearing my Brothers singing,
“One Two Freddy’s Coming For You. Three Four better lock the door.”

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Responses

  1. Sorry to hear about the tornado. Glad you’re okay.

  2. Things look different at three in the morning than they do at three in the afternoon. In the past year, I’ve spent some time thinking about that, usually while sitting alone in the dark in the small hours of the night. One of those times, it suddenly made sense to me why someone would make a glow-in-the-dark rosary. After all, when do we need to find God most?

    Just remember to breathe and keep on going. This, too, will pass.

  3. Hope it passes soon and you start getting a good night’s sleep again 🙂

    ((Hugs))

  4. i went through a phase where i was convinced i had jaw cancer. then another one when i was sure every time i talked to bryan would be the last time. and even another when i was sure i was hiv-positive.
    i was later diagnosed with ocd. hehe

  5. i know that that wasn’t supposed to be funny, but i’m afraid the last line made me laugh anyway. just live life, sass. that’s all any of us can do.

  6. I feel you, Sass — I think you and I have been living parallel lives lately…

    I tried to email you back the other day, but your email wouldn’t let me. It kept blocking me!

  7. nightmare on elm street lyrics…

    my dad has this same kind of anxiety and my brother shows signs every now and then. i have no words to help or soothe.

  8. The residual effects of pestering brothers… I have a few of those too. Wishing you 40 worry-less winks soon.

  9. Wow, excellent post. Fear can definitely paralyze us. But I hope you can make your sassy change…and get some sleep.

  10. I think we all have similar fears. Mine is that I can’t run up a hill or that my nephew can run faster than me. Okay, so that’s not really similar to a heart stopping, but it’s still scares me.

    I think you need to blog before bed. Maybe that will help.

  11. sleep? who needs sleep?

  12. Eat some valarian root, that is what the Doctor says in Fight Club anyway….

    I have fears too, got pretty sick a few years ago now every time i get a little bit light headed I think that it is back. Take care of yourself and a little self talk or yoga does the trick for me.

    Peace,

    Scott

  13. As someone who has sleep issues is the wind blows a certain way, I can relate.
    Here’s the equation that’s worked for me in the past:
    Long workout + hot bath + glass of wine + Norah Jones cd + jammies fresh from the dryer + anything that smells like lavender = good nights sleep.

    Here’s to wishing you sweet dreams soon!

  14. Just call up ya local firefighter…. 🙂

    C.

  15. When I was about 8, I woke up one night, realized that some day I was going to die and started crying. Well, it’s going to happen to all of eventually. In the meantime you can only just live your life the way you want to. It’s a waste of time to ponder your own death (unless you’re driving on Hwy 59 during the daytime).

    As for the fear, sounds like panic attacks to me. My wife has them too. The next time you find yourself pondering fear or death, try to put that aside and concentrate on a task you have got to get done. Like which bill needs to be paid this week, or what insult you’re going to shout at the next clown who cuts you off on Hwy 59, etc.

  16. The absence of me is enough to keep any woman awake … then again … so is the presence … so I guess you’re on your own.

  17. sounds like a panic attack! I get them from time to time… Unfortuantely the more you worry about this the worse it may get!

  18. Actually, I was going to say the same thing Carson said, before I decided to type my “funny” one. I have a friend that gets those sometimes.

  19. That sounds awful. Maybe try visiting a doc or something if that would help. . .

  20. Any better?

  21. Is it bad that I can’t sleep b/c I’m afraid the aliens will come and get me? :0) too much Unsolved Mysteries when I was little.

  22. No sense in worrying about it Sass, when your times up, it’s up. Might as well get a good night sleep.


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