Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | January 30, 2006

Grand Golden Ticket

When your best friend lives 35 miles away it’s common practice for her to mention missing the comfort of your couch and sleepovers. Some things I’ll never out grow. Not in a one night stand way but, the permanence of friendship called the rule when we met. Some days, it’s like having a twin or looking the better version of you in the eyes. She and I went rock climbing this past weekend. Ronda scaled the wall like a spider weaves a web. I lost my grip, told myself to not look down and hung suspended 20 feet above ground as Ronda pulled the slack out of the rope. Looking down at her with sore shoulders, pulsing legs, and a heart stemming through the top of my rib cage she yelled,

“This is a good trust exercise.”

We have matching scrapped knees from the vertical challenge. After the past weekend of endless laughs, smiles, manicures, hair braiding and pillow fights she sends me this poem she wrote to one who deserved the dose. The gal is pretty grand.

do you hate me because I actually think?
do you hate me for my charm?
do you hate that I have sex appeal
with the innocence to cause no harm?

do you hate my education?
or the fact that I can achieve?
do you hate my inner confidence?
or the vulnerability I wear on my sleeve?

do you hate my awareness?
do you hate the fact that you’re not me?
do you hate the fact that I am real,
and your life is make believe?

do you hate the fact that I have lived
a life beyond my years?
do you hate the fact you’ve never loved
even close to something real?

do you envy his blue eyes
and the way they look at me?
do you despise the way we laugh together,
though Ive known him less a year and you now for some three?

or is it all a reflection
of who you want to be?
or is this a reflection
of something you cannot be?

do you hate the way I will survive
even though the pain is great?
do you hate the way I can look you in the eye
and totally disagree?

do you hate it, my long curly hair?
is it a brunette you’d rather be?
or do you hate the curve of my hips,
the fullness of my breasts and the moisture of my lips?

or is it just that you know your fake?
a habit you don’t know how to break?
or maybe you don’t have a clue
and believe something that’s far from true?

do you hate who you see in the mirror?
or do you even know to look?
do you really think you do not judge
the cover and not the book?

do you hate the fact you’ve lost control
of something you thought you had?
do you hate the fact you’ve been cut out?
well dear, isn’t that too bad?

and were you really foolish enough
to believe it was control you had?
or worse, do you really believe
that control doesn’t reek from your past?

do you really think that you’re that one
that changed the way he thought?
do you really think that you’re the one
that sprinkled the dust to untie his knots?

are you really that foolish to believe
that true to yourself is what you are?
are you really that foolish to believe
that a friend is who you are?

or do you hate the fact
that you’re always found out?
that it might take some time,
but your true colors come out without a doubt?

do you need to believe the worst?
are our lives a mess in short?
is it really your business?
if you think so, then how distorted are YOUR thoughts…

do you like making up excuses
as to why you’re where you are?
do you like the fact that you’re with a man
that your dependent on by far?

why is it all about you?
no wait, you’ll say it’s not.
but laughter rises in me
to watch you say it’s not?

for you’re only good to those
that can help you get what you want.
of course you’ll be their friend
if they can get you to the top.

you have no clue on your own,
so that’s why you need others…
you look great sometimes up front
but you have little to read when one opens the book and looks beyond the cover…

would you hate the fact Im writing this
or find pleasure in your poison?
do you feel sorry for my life?
or despise the fact that my life is a choice?

does it scare you to know you might not survive
if you were truly on your own?
will you come crawling back,
when that time for you does come?

are you afraid of the rude awakening
that one day you’ll undoubtedly face?
if you’re not then you’re a fool;
for you’re knees will get bruised when you fall down in this race.

do you think you might despise
that you know I will survive?
do you hate that I will continue to fight
and my life I will not compromise?

do you hate that I know love,
as pure and real and true?
do you hate that he loves me
in a way that few will ever know and do?

are you afraid that we, he and I, might win
this fight we all call life?
are you afraid that you might fall
and then have to look us in the eye?

do you think you might apologize
for those things that you have done?
the things you’ve said and now have spread
about two lives you cannot touch?

trust me dear when I tell you this,
we all get what we deserve…
isn’t that what you have said
for those of us on this earth?

so don’t hate me because Im pretty.
don’t hate my smile within.
don’t love my vulnerability,
and how dare you judge my sin!

so do you think you hate me
or just pity me within?
honey, Id prefer you hate me
for your pity makes me sick…

do you envy me because I feel every experience,
and will until I die?
do you envy me because this blue eyed guy
believes in me and my life?

do you envy our love?
for if I were you, I would too.
for we will have a beautiful life,
and fools wed be to sacrifice.

so did you really think you could poison us
with your thoughts and letters and lies?
did it make you feel good to write about my flaws?
alcohol, debt, my past open falls??

but you foolish child, don’t you see…
I have nothing to hide…
what you see is what you get…
and with that I take pride…

so don’t hate me because Im witty,
or have the ability to charm the sorts.
hate me because I will not lose,
and I will not fall short.

hate me because I am a woman
that can survive lifes show…
hate me because I am grand-
I am grand, and this he knows…

*** in response to Plantations’s comment

This person has been spreading lies and rumors about Ronda and sticking her head in where it doesn’t belong. Yes, me posting this is not as classy as I’d like but, the truth of the matter is she’s given the woman in question enough chances and heard all the made up rumors. How many times can you stand face to face with someone knowing they are going to lie to people about the things you do. It’s absolutely ridiculous. Some of us left that in highschool. If me posting this is sophmorish – then I own it.

Either way – it was the best eat shit and stay out of my life letter i’ve read.

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Responses

  1. That’s awesome. I’d hate to be the person she wrote that to — it would make me want to crawl in a hole. Very well written!!

  2. This made me wonder if there was anyone I hated so much and the answer is pleasingly nope. To hate someone takes too much out of me and wears me down.

  3. Whoa! And I thought that my poems were angst-filled. I am glad that I am not on the receiving end of that.

  4. impressive.

  5. It’s so funny because for the past few days it’s like you’ve been reading my mind. My best friend lives 5 hours away so we don’t get to see each other nearly as often as we’d like….but when we do get together…it’s like we’re twins…we’re sisters. We think alike, we act alike. I miss having her here so much.

  6. Holy! That’s so much more eloquent that what I’d say to someone like that. I’d probably come up with “You’re a whore” or something equally thoughtful.

  7. I’d like to know your side of the story. If a reader came upon your blog and read this, they would think you are a miserable wretched bitch. I find it hard to believe that is true.

  8. Great poem and great friendship.

  9. Golly, for some reason, I not only appreciated that whole sentiment, but found it amazingly timely and poignant.
    I’d hate to have Rhonda mad at me for any reason. Say, do you think I can rent her angry side for a little job? 😉

  10. Great post… excellent fuck off letter.

    I am jealous that you went climbing…. not much of that in these parts this time of year, just inside the gym. I think that you might be my hero!

    Scott

  11. Whoops, sorry about the misspelling of Ronda’s name there. And, Sass, I think it is classy that you’d post it, in support of your friend. It’s always classy to support your friends, even if you have to be, well, a little less “classy” to do it. In short, you go, girl!

  12. as much as i despise this saying, it seems so fitting right now… “you go girl!”

  13. *Embarrassed* I misread the friggin post. I thought she wrote the poem about YOU. No wonder I was lost. My apologies to you and your readers…*tiptoes quietly out the door*

  14. Thanks to those who liked it. It makes me smile to read the comments. I really don’t think that the words people would use to describe me on a regular basis would be unhappy, miserable, or wretched in any way, just to clarify… ANd beleive it or not, I rarely get to a point where my blood boils (though my boyfriend might disagree!)… I’m actually in a very content part of my life… feels good… I wrote this one day as it all kind of poured out of me in a 30 minute purge of frustration and a bit of bitterness (in case you couldn’t tell : ) ). I had actually cut this person out of my life a couple months prior to writing this when I finally realized she only created more drama for me vs truly being a friend… When I wrote this, I had just found out another tidbit of info and the result, well, you’ve read it. A sort of cleansing, I guess… Thanks Jess for feeling it was ‘blog worthy’…

  15. OH, and I meant to mention, I don’t ‘hate’ her… I just decided that I have to many positive things in my life that I don’t have time for the negative ones… I like to write and this is an out for me… And I just want say that I love ya Jess!!


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