Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | February 15, 2006

all it’s blurry

Maybe he’s right. The things we invent are the images that make us move. Willing ourselves not to imagine what we believe to be dangerous won’t work. A fundamental element of imagination is that it cannot be controlled for long. Censorship grows out of a belief that it can be. This is why censorship fails and why I’m having trouble writing tonight.

I’m tired, upset, confused, hurt, perplexed, and every other count of feeling distraught the world throws at you. There’s no watching t.v., no listening to music, no sending emails, no answering the phone (texting works much better), no reading, and I certainly don’t feel like writing.

I’m in the confines of the danger zone and feeling the weight of a decision like a loaf of bread settling in my stomach. I reach for the phone and settle back down hitting ignore once again. There’s no talking through it tonight, there’s no anything tonight.

Sometimes I’m void.

I’m exhausted and tired wishing the knot of a decision was a slip I could lube between substance and material against naked skin.

If only.

Sometimes that’s all there is. And I’m okay with that.

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If you want to know the strength of what it takes to move from small to owning it and making the world your diamond, all you have to do is look at her. She always brings it ’cause, “That’s how we roll.”

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISTINA!

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Her outside beauty doesn’t do her inner justice.

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Responses

  1. Sass, I don’t know what the decision is/was, but in my experience there are few decisions that can’t be worked with even if they don’t turn out the way we hope or anticipate. Marriage is easier and easier to end and even tattoos aren’t permanent. Though, I have to admit, I’d rather live with my tattoos than my old marriage. Hey, that works out well, doesn’t it?

    Success comes one step at a time. Or, as my mother would say “inch by inch, life’s a sinch, but mile by mile, life’s a trial.” Deal with tomorrow, tomorrow. And, sleep well knowing you’ve done all you can for today.

  2. Decisions are easy, not as easy as spelling the word “decisions.” Check your gut, interrogate it for a bit and then pick what coconut that red marble is hiding under.

  3. My old man taught me a thing or two, one was this: For every 100 decisions you make, 50 will be right, 50 will be wrong…of the 50 that are wrong you will be able to change 45 of them…the other 5 you have to learn to live with. But worrying about which 5 out of every 100 are the wrong one’s is not helping yourself, sleep and make the decision based on your first instinct the next morning.

  4. Maybe you need contacts.

  5. well, i don’t know much about lubing slips, but i’d recommend that you just follow your gut. besides, don’t you already know the answer?

  6. The stress of making a decision is one that is different than any other. I hope you can do it with a minimum of agony…and also I hope one day we can talk via email because your filter STILL hates me… : )

  7. good luck with that sassy…whatever it may be…and Happy birthday christina!!

  8. you okay, sis? perspective. rant. whine. you know where i am.

  9. Wish I could help!

    (Hugs)

  10. We all have those days. I hope you are feeling better about things soon. HUGS

  11. I think that feeling this way is just part of being alive. I hope that you get some clarity on the decision that you want to make and it works out for you.

    All the best and you are in my thoughts.
    Scott

  12. She looks great.. Although, I think you look great too… 🙂 And I also hope you are feeling better babe!

    C.

  13. Before you think I’m crazy or couldn’t possible understand, just hear me out.

    When all else fails, flip a coin!

  14. Since I don’t know what decision is weighing on you, I’m sure whatever I say won’t be of much comfort. Perhaps I could use the famous words…”this too shall pass”. I do hope it passes, whatever is ailing you, and things turnaround for the better.

    As far as what you said…”Her outside beauty doesn’t do her inner justice.” That is a beautiful sentiment and very heartfelt when a person truly means it. Whoever Kristina is, I’m sure hearing that will make her birthday a happy one.

  15. I hate decisions like that. The weight of either choice pressing you into the ground.

    Listen to your instincts. And if that fails…make a list of pros and cons. Sometimes seeing your choices in writing makes a difference.

  16. so i don’t have trouble making decisions i just go with whatever my first thought is and its rarely wrong, but some days i feel like i make decisions for a living. i know however that not all people can do this some people make lists and weigh everything out others change their minds lots of times but somehow even if you make the wrong decision it can usually be changed and is often not the end of the world. maybe thats a different way to look at it. anyway my advice when you are going crazy like that (which i do often) is to do something mindless but challenging. i go running until i don’t think i can move another step then i turn around and have to run all the way back home. that helps. or do something that you sort of know how to do but aren’t good at so you have to concentrate like knitting or making a long and complicated dessert. thinking about other things really helps to clear your mind

  17. Happy Birthday Kristina!

  18. You’ll get through this the way you do everything – with style, grace and humor. Because that’s how you roll.

  19. Now when you say “That’s how we roll” does it involve you both being naked and covered in chocolate syrup? Because … wow. I mean, I do love chocolate.


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