Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | February 23, 2006

sharing the joy

“You have to get this album. You’re going to love it. I’ll burn you a copy if you’re to slow to react but I’ll never mail it because I won’t make it to the post office. So go buy it now.”

I’ve told my Father this more than once. When he bought the Fiona Apple CD he responded with a whame. I scored when he bought the James Blunt and Fall Out Boy CD. If something delights me I want to share it with those in my life with no regard to if its music, books, jokes, stories, I don’t discriminate.

Blogs – Look to the left, I’m toasting champagne with one of my absolute favorite writers this evening, Alison and down right giddy to finally meet her.

Emails from a friend where I inquired about a date he went on last night had me reaching for a tissue and rereading the email to a coworker. He is also from this school of down right blatant honesty. And for that I love these guys.

The good: We had a great conversation, she is smart, we have much in common, alcoholic like me, likes country music, has a great family, has good friends, funny, didn’t have sex w. me on the first date, said thank you twice for dinner, likes to run, you would like her, she would like you, actually interested in what I do, also works in the BLANK sector, has a cute dog, I didn’t get slapped, pretty eyes, did I say very smart ?, wants to see me again…

The bad: I’m a vein asshole and don’t find her attractive….

Conclusion: I’m a vein asshole and should take the next flight to Belgium and become a monk…I’m hopeless !!

If anyone was at Memorial Park between 8:00pm and 9:30 and saw a red head taking five steps then nearly tripping herself from laughter it was not due to schizophrenia. I downloaded Mitch Hedburg’s last live comedy tour. The jokes below probably aren’t as funny in the written word but in that Hedburgian dry sarcastic tone…..

My hotel doesn’t have a 13th floor for superstition. But come on people you’re on the 14th floor you know what floor you’re really on.
“What room you stayin in? “
“1401”
“No your not. Jump out the window and you will die earlier.”

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, ‘Dude you have to wait.’

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. Well I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.

I order a club sandwich all the time and I’m not even a member; I don’t know how I get away with it.
“I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread.”
“Well so do I. Let’s form a club.”
“Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly tooth picks? “
“I’m for em’.”
“Well, let’s spread the word.”

If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it build a house. Well I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

I got a king sized bed. I don’t know any kings but if one came over I guess he would be comfortable. Oh you’re a king you say, well you won’t believe what I have in store for you. It is to your exact specifications. I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up too. When I was a boy I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I don’t have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. Refrigerator, toaster, blender; you just say what the thing does and add ER. Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute.
“What does this thing do?”
“It keeps things fresh. “
“Well that’s a fresher. I’m goin on break.”

If you want to talk to me after the show; I’d be f’n surprised.

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Responses

  1. Mitch is damn funny. Sarcasm can be tough to deliver via a blog, but in person… it’s good stuff. Thanks for sharing. I can hear Mitch’s voice in my head telling the Sprite joke. I will give a listen to the Fiona Apple album on your recommendation. She’s pretty talented.

  2. i loved mitch hedburg. r.i.p. buddy.

  3. The Sprite one WAS funny. Actually, they were all funny. And I loved the blatant honesty of your friend. It’s unfortunate they’re not all like that…

  4. Hey, did you ever download and listen to the Best Of Bootie 2005 CD? It’s catchy. You might like it.

  5. Lauged out loud at the post. Very very fun!!! I have heard good things about the Fiona Apple CD. I will pick it up on your recomendation. It is snowning out my window like a MOFO… supposed to run outside after work! I am still in!!

    Scott

  6. Have you seen George Lopez video? He is great.
    .

    56 chevyman

  7. Where did the rest of my comment go?

  8. I’ve got a big smile plastered across my face.

  9. Chevy 56 – The man you were speaking of in the rest of your comment I’ve never met. This is MY SITE – and is a NEGATIVE FREE ZONE. Please keep your personal business to yourself and here.
    I will ban your IP if you do that again.

    Thanks and Regards,
    Sass

  10. There are some good clips of Mitch Hedberg to watch over at YouTube if you ever find yourself with nothing to do. He certainly was a funny man…

  11. Hmm I wonder what 56 chevyman said about DIAMONDKT but I know him and he is a prick but I like your motto negative free site so I shall follow it. 🙂
    I like Chris Rock he cracks me up. Sometimes he can be raunchy but he is funny.

  12. Hilarious! Have fun toasting tonight…

  13. I don’t know which entertained me more. The hilarious jokes in the post or sass livin’ up to that name in the comments. Both were great. I mean all that in a very positive way.

    The wino eating grapes was my fave.
    “Dude you have to wait”

    HA!

  14. Mitch was the most hilarious ever. My girlfriends and I watch one of his stand ups we have on tape over and over and over.

    Cracks me up.

    Thanks for the morning laughs!

  15. mitch was creative. i always liked ‘I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.’

  16. “Belgium”? I’m not up on my monkishness these days, but, last I checked, not exactly the hot spot for celibacy. Tell him he should try Carpathia. It even sounds depressing, doesn’t it?

    I’ll have to go listen to Mitch, though. I kept hearing Stephen Wright’s voice in my head when I read those lines.
    How was champagne with Alison?

  17. Absolutely LOVE the wino and the grapes. Fantastic!

  18. Hi. Can always come here and leave smiling. Thanks Sass. 🙂

  19. Hedberg’s great. And now you’ve given me one more thing to do at YouTube.

  20. Good stuff babe!! LMAO!!! Hope you have a great weekend!

  21. Ha!! Good Stuff Sass…

  22. “This is MY SITE – and is a NEGATIVE FREE ZONE. Please keep your personal business to yourself and here. I will ban your IP if you do that again.”

    I felt the temperature rise.
    Global-warming warning!!! 😉

    Long time, miss you babe.

  23. My husband & I stumbled across Mitch completely by accident; we saw his last live show here in Houston. We had originally went to Stephen Lynch, and found out he was only opening for Mitch.

    What a night it was. He was ADD personified, mixed with a healthy dose of weed & liquor. He was the black sense of humor we love so much.

    Good post. Good memory.


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