Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | February 27, 2006

fall out boy

When I was younger the first snowfall of the year had always elicited a wild, limb-flailing dance to the God of Ongoing Blizzards. My performance was a heartfelt spiritual plea for continued school-closing weather throughout the winter months. My goal was to dance hard enough to please the deity into granting my wish and creating a winter vacation to match the summer one. Iíd dance the miracle into fashion and parade up and down the hallway. Twirling in a one two step with a round off and diving into a split. . Though my dream was never fully realized there was a week with no school due to the blizzard of 86.

Today, I donít feel like doing the snow dance and I do want to be anywhere but in the confines of my office. The starched walls are bearing down on me as I think back to what just happened and how I landed where I am. On my ass. Though I canít ignore the rush of pure joy that the sight of pure unfiltered snow evokes in me. At the onset of a dreary morning thatís quickly filled with specks of pure white innocence falling from the sky Iím elated and filled with a euphoric feeling. A week later, the snowy innocence is replaced with a dark and dreary grump of a day. The snow loses its muster and turns to slush reeking of filth and disgust making a mess out of everything.

Iím feeling like a big messy pile of slush this morning after shoveling the snow.

I played the nightís events in my head over and over. In retrospect it felt like Iíve been puked on. I really donít want to be the sort of woman who gets shrewish and possessive or clingy or needy. Am I overreacting? Iím not sure. I can mess with my own head better than anyone. And Iím feeling exhausted by all the second guessing.

Because sometimes, that’s all there is. You take a chance and can’t question it. Kendra told me this morning, “If you send a message out you’re looking to get one back.”

Sometimes.

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Responses

  1. Oh secod-guessing is something I am very good at, and you’re right it’s very tiring. I hope your day gets better.

  2. WIshing you a much better day. Hope you find hte job in the snow my friend!

    Scott

  3. Take a week off. Grab your camera. Go on a road trip through west Texas. Drive through ghost towns and eat at roadside diners. You’ll feel better. Trust me.

  4. Sass, the start of wisdom is learning not to ask questions to which you don’t want answers.
    I’m told the next part is learning to live in such a way that the aforementioned questions become redundant. Still working on that part, but my ex-wife taught me all about the first bit. Lots of questions just shouldn’t be asked. Far more shouldn’t have to be asked.

    Just take it one step at a time. While waiting for the answer from on high, remember to breathe. In, out, repeat.
    And, that’s the limit of my wisdom, and time, today. Good luck.

  5. You’re not a messy pile of anything. You are fabulous…don’t ever second guess that.

  6. Kendra is right, you want the message back, only sometimes you have to wait, and sadly sometimes it just goes out and out…but it only has to return once for life to become what you imagine.

  7. I told you once, and I’ll tell you again. You’re a wonderful woman. You seserve the best and you shouldn’t be settling for less.

  8. As women we have a tendency to analyze things to death. Over and over and over again. Every word, every facial expression, every voice inflection…

    Where will it end? We drive ourselves crazy…I’m still having this battle within myself.

  9. Thank you. Allow me to suggest Colorado also. It’s beautiful up there around the old mining towns. Sometimes you feel like you’re stepping back in time and for a little while can’t remember the now.

  10. I feel the exact same way when I see snow. It’s a treat here in Seattle.

  11. always. or at least in my humble opinion. otherwise, why send it?

  12. ahhhhh – over analyzing – it is the bain of my existence!!!!! you’re good. i’m sure of it.


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