Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | February 28, 2006

Flipping Coins

If you’re going to do something horrible at all, you’re better off doing it as thoroughly and expeditiously as possible; also if you’re over stressed and over busy all the time it’s easier not to think and deal with it by not dealing with it. Ive been really good at working through my problems like this and trying to change over the last few months. And wearing melancholy over the last month like a noose around my neck tightening with each passing day.

There aren’t too many themes in my life significant enough to hang on hold for. Over the last several months Ive managed to not come to any conclusions. Lets face it, that would be dangerous. So when I find one, I have to work it to death. Some fixate on the details of their jobs as astrophysicists or social workers specializing in autistic children or drug rehab, or maybe they just read the newspapers or have a life, and therefore people have a range of expertise to draw on, and somewhere to put pegs in and provide triangulation points about human consciousness and the future of the planet. Not me. Lets leave that to Stephen Hawking. Okay, I can tell you more than you want to know about reality TV and shoes. But if I’m going to make a decision and resist dialing a rescue I lace up my running shoes and head out the door. I have precious little to say about that other than ‘well, er, um, actually I have nothing to say about that other than what Ive already said. I must perforce talk about my life, which is where my end of the story-telling process comes from. I have split seconds that mean more than my whole days. Its who I am. Random and unabashedly unfiltered, I have days where Im a train wreck thats impossible to not watch unfold. All you can do is stare and cringe recognizing yourself. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with my eyes and dial a maid. I toss things around my home the way some throw out the trash. I could care less. It’s just stuff. If I ruin it, I’ll buy another one when I feel like it.

One of the most schizophrenic aspects of my non-balance is that I see people and how they live thinking, Oops. Better get out the Hoover and the dust cloth after all. But this is me, who has spent most of my adult professional life through talking to people to earn my salary. Which is also to say that I have had an active hand in pulling my own life to pieces. Since Im now managing my issues in a new light, there are no conclusions. Its a never ending learning rite with no base line. Never assume. Never make plans. Keep doing the press-ups and deep knee bends: you’ll need all your strength and flexibility when your life suddenly implodes. Maybe it won’t some people do lead enchanted lives but odds are that it already is.

Now, if I could only find my phone.

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Responses

  1. Yep, I rely on my cat-like reflexs to save me from certain doom. Or, wait, maybe it was my spider sense… Damn, if I ever get that straight, I’ll let you know, okay? In the meantime, I think I need to invest in some good running shoes. If I can just keep a step ahead of my problems, I’ll beat them to the grave and someone else can deal with them.
    That’s the ticket. Thanks for the advice on that one.

  2. “schizophrenic.” A bit like this post. Thanks for sharing a brief stream of consciousness from the mind of Sass.

  3. NG – yes good running shoes are essential. The guys a Lukes Locker will take care of you.

    Plantation – am no where close to schitzo or any where close. I chose that word, perhaps incorrectly, as a
    way to describe the random.

  4. No plan B. It only distracts from Plan A.

  5. I think I must be on Plan F by now.

  6. astrophysicistssss… triangulation… stephen hawking… do you have a “Jess’s Blog for Dummies and Romey” My head gets bigger when I read your blog… wait… that sounded dirty

  7. Oh you want me and you know it. 😉

  8. Hmmm interesting post. At least you have the shoes right? Is there any better place to think than out there on the road?

    Scott

  9. I’m ridiculously bad at balance. I am a train wreck more often than I’d like to admit. And as for a plan? Ha. My plan is to have no plan. Or that’s what I tell myself when I feel like I need to have a plan.

  10. Enlightened now on the Roman Soldier bit. They they did wearing armour. Still, no tougher than you and your lace-ups though. I think that perhpas what you really need is a servant.

  11. Whoa, I know I say stuff like this all the time, but you’re so in my head right now. I too have seconds that amount to more than an entire day or week. Excellent post.

    I hope you found your phone.

  12. I live in a perpetual state of numb… with an occasional flare up of rage… it’s so much easier than focusing on something.

  13. Perhaps it’s just me but some of my greatest “split seconds” have been when my life seemed to be a total mess. I’ve also had some good times during the clean up. For me, it’s always been a matter of being in the right headspace…that and having cute shoes. 🙂

  14. Hey babe! Very good stuff, as usual!! I am hating my computer being down at the house, but none to fret, I will have it up and running soon.. So your coming to Big D….. Excelllent!

    C.

  15. Right on! My place looks like a tornado rumbled through it. When people ask why, I always tell them, “It is just stuff.” Vacuum? Only when company comes over.

  16. oh, if only someone really did exist who could tell me more than i wanted to know about reality tv and shoes, i might come up tails on that coin. if you ever find your phone, let me know where you looked. i seem to have the same running problem with my television.

  17. I love your posts, Jess. We have so much in common.

  18. “if you’re over stressed and over busy all the time it’s easier not to think and deal with it by not dealing with it”

    Well said! I think I live by this, which would be the reason I have been keeping to myself alot lately.

  19. Personally I work 12 hour days when I don’t want to deal with things. I bury myself in work in order to not deal with other things, many people do this.
    You keep to yourself for other reasons DK mainly your just not healthy person and you know what I am talking about.

  20. “Dial a maid.” You can do that?! Whow!

    Smashing post 🙂

  21. THat’s IT! MIchelle – stalker ex girlfriend of his your IP is BANNED. THERE IS NO NEGATIVE TALK ON MY SITE OTHER THAN ME CALLING YOU A PSYCHO BITCH!

  22. Ha! Too funny! I remember a time when you had to get a restraining order. Now its streamlined to just blocking an IP!

  23. Practice away!


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