Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | March 2, 2006

cat on a hot tin roof

The socially acceptable way to describe this feeling is recalling a scene in a movie or when you walk into a feeling you’ve known. A dj vu moment. You cant describe where or how you know this place youve been before. This isnt just any old place; its the purgatory between heaven and hell. Trust me, this isnt the type of purgatory as a Catholic I should believe in, its more like being naked in front of your peers giving a speech; which is always at least a bit harrowing. Right? This is the end of the former boxed in life, as Ive known it. I don’t know why I did accept the former me other than I know its time to move on. Leave the past where it lies and ignore the bad taste it leaves in my mouth. Ive ran this over and over in my mind and beat it into random phone conversations with the Ladies, the Mystery Man, my Father, and my siblings. Theyve all advised me and told me what to do and how to address the situation. Sure, the mitigating factor to move was removed but the over all feeling of dissatisfaction and being stagnant remained.

I made up my mind yet continued to question everything. It was one of those AH-A moments that grab you allowing the furrow on your brow to smooth over. Yes, I did indeed know what to do and had made up MY mind. However, no one was telling me what I wanted to hear so the argument inside my head continued. I was happy and the envy of everyone when the conversation came to pass. Hell, I worked like a shot putter on speed to get it there. I live in the gray understanding so much of the black and white making my world full of fiery enthusiasm and overstatements of passionate doubt.

Being too obsessive to survive starts to look a little silly after you have survived for a while and should have grown out, or possibly burned out, of it. Am I really that shallow? That girl who likes nice things and wont settle for less? Yes and no. Ive lived in my car, with roommates, with drunken ex-boyfriends, roommates who stole, and grew up with a family larger than several Texas towns. But staying in a place I was merely content and unwilling to take a chance turns my mind to the girl from the Shake n Bake commercial when I type,

Thats just not right.

And as rootless as I am with the tough girl attitude I try to portray, I knock down quite easily and cringe at The V. Word (vulnerable). Ew.

It had occurred to me that perhaps I should have known my life was due to go poof when it became too comfortable and no one was there to shake it. I kind of like the shaking as long as the ground doesnt fall out, even then, its gonna be one helluva ride.

Put on your dancing shoes.

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Responses

  1. i could have used that glass of wine…turns out i’m pretty good at shaking things up all by myself. all the crumbs have settled…for now…

  2. It’s funny, Sass, that you use the image of putting on dancing shoes when things are about to get shaken up. I always picture putting in a mouth piece and lacing up gloves, like a boxer. Hell, I even do the head roll thing, sometimes, before stepping into the ring.
    Maybe that’s my problem. I see a fight, when I should see a dance…

    Interesting post, as always.

  3. I’ve taken a Dramamine and am thus prepared for shaking.

  4. Aww great you’re moving to Miami! Can’t wait to meet you! 😉

  5. Well I’m glad you finally made your decision. 🙂

  6. Gald that you made YOUR decision. Now that it has been made what is it going to look like?

    Scott

  7. Shaking things up is a good thing because it means you’re still moving. The only time I’m really unhappy is when things have come to a hault.

  8. good luck. enjoy the dance.

  9. Wait, I’m totally lost! You’re moving?! NOOOOOOOO!

    I think I’ve got to go back and read what I’ve obviously been missing. Even better, call me and fill me in. I miss you!

  10. where ya going, sass?

  11. Love the dancing shoes image. I think it’s one I need to try. Instead of allowing change to stress me out….I should just Fred Aistaire it.

  12. Hey babe! If you are moving you should at least consider moving to Big D. Ok? 🙂

    C.

  13. I’ve been doing that dance for a long time…but my legs are about to give out.

  14. Sometimes you need a drastic change in life to gain perspective.

  15. Pretty cool post.

  16. Good Luck 🙂

    I hope we are in the chorus line!


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