Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | March 13, 2006

Tears and Rain – James Blunt

There’s something I should tell you. My Mother taught me to put on a smile before I walk out the door. “It’s the best thing a woman can wear.” I try my best to slap it on every day, some days it’s less and blends with the belt.

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I’d chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I’ve found no meaning.

This morning I was sitting around a table when someone asked a question about my past.

B: “Yeah, I can see you as a California girl.”
J: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
K “And there’s the Jersey.”

No. That would be crass

Instead of lamenting the end of an unmediated experience, I will celebrate it; revel in the simultaneous living of an experience and its dozen or so echoes in life, living, art, history, and connecting with people. It’s about respect and the way someone makes you feel. A +. About yourself and the echoes that resonate through the halls of your existence. It’s not about being cheaper, but making an experience richer, aha!

There is that thing, that man, that event, those amazing friends, my best guy friend “The New Edition”, my gurl Ronda, my endearing family, and knowing this is what I call my life. Its chalk full of people I love and those who love me who say things like,

J: “What if I fall flat on my face?”
Kristina: “Don’t do that, you could break a heel. You just bought these great new shoes and Honey, I just got a manicure. I can’t pick you up.”

What she meant was much deeper placed inside a joke in a random conversation on a Wednesday afternoon. It’s being much more layered, cultured, and understanding what’s going on beneath the surface of things. However, it’s also about touching the core and, there you have it. The first experience of a heart in turmoil in the New Year. Bite me, (yeah that’s my Jersey). The echoes of me.

I guess it’s time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure’s the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I’ve heard what they say, but I’m not here for trouble.
It’s more than just words: it’s just tears and rain.

Here’s the thing about relationships whether it be work, dating, marriage, family, or any other random happenstance. They look prettier from the outside and what’s inside is different than it seems. When questioned about my life, I know to put on a happy face and structure the world to believe everything is right. Growing up we moved around a lot. I went to three different high schools in three different states. No whining was allowed and there was no room for being weak. “Adjust” and “Buck up” my Mother retorted to the contraction of our childish whiny voices. This past weekend was different. I found myself being the person I never knew I was or could be and echoing a me, I never knew yet fear. Then I heard that voice. Don’t give this situation power to control you. You’re stronger than this and can deal with the world. I mean, that’s what My Space is for.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I’m so cold from fear.

It’s numbing not edifying, almost ramifying. These events – I’ve been there and done that. Huh! And there are the echoes of this feeling, being aware of its presence, and the enrichment a few years brings. Hardly my first, we’re not going to use the “R” word. The one that starts with a “RE” as in repeat and ends in “SHIP” like two passing in the night. Not that word. I freak on that word. It’s to permanent and resonates everything that’s now and nothing what tomorrow defines.

I’ve learned to embrace the echoes as enrichment, recognize their value and the messages they scream. We all have the ability to be weak and act as you would normally deem unacceptable in both life experience and fodder. That’s real and undeniable. It’s just another experience that can be checked off like skydiving, driving cross country, falling in love, taking a year off, and living life loudly.

I guess it’s time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure’s the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I’ve heard what they say, but I’m not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure’s the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It’s more than just words: it’s just tears and rain.

I’m aware of the dangers of self-consciousness but, at the same time, I’ll be plowing through the fog of all these echoes, through mixed metaphors, noise, and will try to show the core what can’t be articulated.

Deal.

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Responses

  1. Sometimes you posts are so elusive, they dance at the edge of reason, they hint at this and that and yet in such an articulate manner reflect the confusion that the mind so often feels…

    Good luck at getting tio the heart of the matter

  2. Hey ! I found your blog following a link.
    I love your Mum’s saying about smiling. I’ll try to remember it 😉

  3. And here I thought it was attorneys that were the best at talking around an issue.

  4. sass, you tease me with this vague precision. i love your writing. i always feel like youre holding me at arms length, or that i am just not smart enough to grasp exactly what youre saying.

    but as you say. i will deal.

  5. Jump in! The water is fine…

  6. I totally agree with the statement that things are so much prettier on the outside — it’s so true. My mom also taught me to put on a happy face and sometimes, doing that takes every bit of energy that I can muster.

    I know you’ll be fine…faith and all that…it’s the jumping that’s hard…

  7. “…the messages they scream.”
    Wouldn’t it be nice if sometimes it could just be a whisper…and maybe a hug?

  8. I like what you had to say in this post. It sheds much light on who you are as a person. Thanks for sharing.

  9. “Buck up!” I love that. I often say to the boy “Buck up, little camper!”

  10. Breathe easy, Jess, you’re doing just fine. Just take it one bite at a time.
    It’s funny, but my old man used to tell me, “Boy, you just do what you got to do and let everybody else just *deal* with it.” I should listen to that tough old bastard more often.

  11. SO, I don’t get it… what does all that mean? I think that I am going to have to print that post off and reread it a bit. haha.. I hope that you are doing okay.

    Scott

  12. Sometimes the corner your lips seem like immovable objects. No matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to push for that upward curl…not even for a brief moment. That’s life. No reason to fake the smile. There is no point to that. Put a baseball hat on. Curl the brim down and inward. It will match your lips and then nobody will be comparing your “lack of smile” to your belt. Genius right? 🙂

  13. By the way, James Blunt…I like his song “You’re Beautiful”. They lyrics are good until he messes it up with the “I’m fucking high” part.

    Ok, that was a pointless comment. Good tune though. Cheer up Jessica.

  14. You say so much without getting specific and it speaks to us all. I love your posts. Good luck plowing through.

  15. Absolutely beautiful Sass. Beautiful.

  16. Yay that’s me Cheryl, capturing everyone’s plane crash.

  17. Hey there beautiful! Hope all is well, and thanks for checking in on me :o)

  18. Yep, JB has got a way of saying it.

  19. You have too…


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