Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | March 22, 2006

you want to talk about being vulnerable?

Can someone please turn the sun shine off? It was shining directly in my eyes this morning as I rolled over and groaned. I couldnít get up yet, my cocoon was cozy. I laid there for a few minutes in an uncaffinated state waiting for the bouncy pop music to roar through my alarm clock. After ten minutes of labored breathing I pulled the sheets off my face and came to the abrupt realization my blind was open. The light shining through was artificial. It was too late, my mind had already begun to sporadically plan the day. I turned my head to the alarm clock, 4:00 a.m.? I spent the next hour fighting myself butting my head under the sheets, arms and legs flailing to stay under rest lock down. Then I fought it angrily before throwing in the towel and grabbing my laptop. If I was awake, I was going to humor myself and leave funny messages for people. I did just that for a mere hour laughing myself awake. Sorry Ďbout that but there is no prestige when youíre on myspace.

Pure light finds its way into my bedroom as I hastily toss my legs over the side of the bed and latch on to the fact that itís still to early to be productive. Iím out the door in ten minutes flat droning to the sounds of my IPOD aimed towards Fourbucks when it hits me like a like a meteor crashing into Earth. Thereís dew on the grass, a pink and blue sky and the crisp smell of freshly mowed grass on an expressively crisp morning. Hello Spring.

Inside the coffee shop I glance around inherently aware how everyone is pretending not to be checking each other out. There is a feeling that we are, at least at this point in time, we are all important and on our way somewhere and something big is happening here. Are we all riding a tidal wave balancing on the board cautious not to fall and be perceived as we don’t want to be? We canít let on that we are a part of a scene, or any scene. We begin to perfect a balance between being close to where things are happening, knowing the people involved and their patterns, while keeping our distance, an outsiderís mentality, even among other outsiders. We sing songs of following our dreams and being true to ourselves while lying to the world and shielding that sometimes we hurt. And you know what ĎMiss Excuse Me Can I Please Talk To Jess ;-)í Iím learning, and so are you, that we can’t always be the heart pumping blood to everyone. Somedays being strong – means letting your guard down.

I toss my disposable coffee cup in the trash, raise my earphones, click on, and continue running down the shaded path.

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Responses

  1. Learning to let your guard down, or maybe finding people you can let it down with is one of the hardest tasks we face…and it would be nice to think that like any task it gets easier the more we do it, but the truth is it only gets easier if we make a habit of doing it to those who won’t hurt us in return…

    …and since we can never predict that…It just never gets any easier.

  2. I love these sorts of encounters at the coffee store or any other retail store. Do you wonder which patrons, if any, are bloggers?

  3. You mean you’re just waking up at that hour? Heck, I haven’t even gone to bed. And you think YOU have problems…

  4. Man, that is early! I hate when that happens. I am not an really early waker. Hope that your day is productive.

    Scott

  5. ” an outsiderís mentality, even among other outsiders.”

    and i think you just summed up me, or at least how ive been feeling lately. you just summed up what i havent been able to put into words for the last two months.

  6. Run, Forest. Run. ūüėČ

  7. I really get the sense, sometimes, that you’re talking to someone in particular when you write these circular, enigmatic posts. Who, though, I have no idea, so you’re doing well, keeping it all on the down-low.

    I’m slowly training myself to get up and actually start moving earlier. My alarms start going off at about 4:30am. (Yes, alarms, plural.) Of course, I stop and fall asleep again several times, but, I’m getting there. Rumor has it that people in better shape need less sleep. We’ll see. But, is the sun always so bright that early? It hurts us! It burns us! Oh, Precious…

  8. Thank God for days like this. Makes me happy to be alive. Looking forward to Sunday honey. Hope your day goes well.

  9. Oh and here’s a link to a page that will teach you how to be an early riser:

    http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/05/how-to-become-an-early-riser/

  10. Letting your guard down? Have heard of this phemonenon but rarely partake…perhaps I’ll look into it.

  11. “Somedays being strong-means letting your guard down” So true. It takes a lot of courage to let people in, to admit how precociously we’re balancing the wave.

  12. guard up = weakness

    true.

  13. I’m such a private person which sounds hipocritical since I write about my life in a blog but blogging to people who don’t know you is different that letting in (specifically men) b/c it makes me feel so vulnerable…when I’ve already got battle scars. I’m working on it…slow and steady wins the race…right?

  14. Texans aren’t supposed to be vulnerable. We are supposed to be rocks.

  15. (sigh) I love the warm morning cocoon state. A state of pure blis.


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