Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | March 26, 2006


I wiped a tear as I was getting ready to go out Saturday evening after hanging up the phone with the Very Holy Mother. I was mad, upset, frustrated, and wondering how the hell could she even think or say such a thing?!?! Like Mothers do, she worries about me. The tear left a vertical path on my freshly applied makeup paving justification for her words. The V.H.M. and I speak nearly every day and now, for her to even suggest I should accept things as they are while not being true to myself is absolutely absurd and goes against all the life lessons shes taught me.

What happened to the guy your Brother really likes from Christmas.
Were friends Mom.
He was really good to you, and you didnt have to question things with him.
I was approaching annoyed, and still is. What are you getting at?
He really cares about you, she lingered on with gibberish.
Thats not fair to me, and its certainly not fair to him.

She was making excuses for the men in my life.

Whose side are you on?

I laid it thick with a line so ugly you could spread it on the Jersey shore and hung up the phone. Seconds later I was calling her back apologizing and feeling guilty. Shes grown accustomed to the walls snapping up and the sarcastic bite that follows when the subject of my singlehood comes up. Yes I made up that word. My birthday is approaching and the V.H.M. scratches her nails down the chalkboard of my heart as she repeatedly states, I worry about you being alone, she pauses, only because you live in the city, Honey. Ive taken to calling myself Her Spinster Daughter. I could care less about whether or not Im single or married. As a child we have specific dates in mind and a timeline of the age and space we want to live in. Ive always wanted to live the life Im living now.

My Mother was 27 when she had me, her fourth child. That would have been a good age to start a family, would have been. Life doesnt follow the best laid plans or To Do Lists. Lifes sloppy and there are days when Mr. I Dont Fucking Know is just what I need and Im happy in that time and space. And there are days when I ask myself what the hell Im doing and maybe shes right but honestly I dont think you can force it. Life cant be decided on a whim or a feeling of what the future is going to hold. There are always doubts in defense and offense moves. Which one will work? Which wall will be the strongest and how do you break it down, or do you just walk away from the situation? Thats the easy thing to do.

Lifes not easy.

No true fiasco ever began as a quest for mere adequacy. A motto of the British Special Air Force is: ‘Those who risk, win.’ A single green vine shoot is able to grow through cement. The Pacific Northwestern salmon beats itself bloody on it’s quest to travel hundreds of miles upstream against the current, with a single purpose, sex of course, but also….life

-Orland Bloom Elizabethtown


  1. Wow, I’ve got good timing this weekend…

    So, what’s missing? What isn’t she getting? Or is it that you suspect she might be right? It’s terrible when our mothers are right after all, isn’t it?
    And, what about the guy who bought you the drink? 😉

  2. You’re still young. You’ve got plenty of time and more than plenty to offer. When I lament my “singlehood,” my readers (all 5 of them) tell me to be patient and not force it. I know you already know this. Listen up girl, it’s not a matter of will it happen, it’s a matter of when it will happen. So just hang in there and do your best to ignore unsolicited advice such as this 🙂

  3. Good ‘ol mom. Mine is currently on a bi-monthly schedule of mentioning how I need to find a wife. She’s easy to silence, though.

    You’re doing the right thing by not adhering to any sort of life schedule. Whether it be your own or someone else’s for you.

    I’ve always wondered if the salmon would make that trip if they knew about the bears waiting for them.

  4. Parents are the same everywhere, they think that our happiness will be assured by following the beat of there drum…it takes them awhile to accept that you aren’t even playing the drums but the flute, and dancing to a different tune…

    but they do come around…eventually.

  5. On one hand she’s just being a mother. On the other hand she shouldn’t tell you the men she likes. That decision is totally up to you and good or bad that should be respected. Thanks to events over the past two years my family doesn’t think positively about my wife, but they won’t dare say it. It was my choice and they have to respect that. Just get up in the morning, have some coffee, go to work, or call in sick and spend the day down on Bolivar Peninsula and just enjoy yourself. Let the rest of the chips fall into place.

  6. Sounds like a good holiday.

  7. Personally, I’d rather be single than marry the wrong person so if that means I’m 60 when I get married, well, so be it. “Settling down” is one thing but “settling”…well that shit’s just unacceptable.

  8. Thankfully my sister got married and had kids, so it takes the pressure off of me to settle down. Now I’m just that weird uncle that never married!

  9. just keep on rocking in the free world, sass. i think it was mark twain that said “a true man is one that does what he believes to be right and true even when everyone around him is telling him he is wrong and calling him a fool.”

    i think the same applies to women. at least it should.

  10. Hey babe!! I am back.. Got a new blog started! How was your Dallas trip? Can’t believe you didn’t get in touch… : ) Hope you have a fantastic day!


  11. I caught that movie on the weekend. Thought that I would not like it at all but ended up really enjoying it. Great quote from it.

    I say just roll with it. You are definately a cool woman and will find someone when the time is right for you.


  12. Wow, that is tough. VHM really puts it out there. Be yourself and things will work out for you Sassy. Your mom and my mom have much in common for sure.

  13. I think you are going to be just fine Miss Sassy.

    I thought I saw you at the Galleria Saturday. Were you there?

  14. Wow….I hear ya hon.

  15. Moms, Arghhhh! So difficult at times. You have to do what you have to do, that’s it. Times change and you have to keep your head up and know that your generation faces issues that her’s never had to face…. it shapes everything.

  16. Sometimes I think Mothers are all the same – the same way of thinking, the same way of pushing their single kids to settle down. I think my Mom is most anxious for me to marry just so I won’t “cook bachelor style” for much longer. I’ll admit, it is a little scary for me in the kitchen.

    They say you’ll find the right one when you aren’t even looking. Perhaps that is true and perhaps in the meantime, I will find myself a takeout menu.

  17. I’m older than you and still single myself. So I can say this to you and you can have complete confidence that what I’m saying is right up there with the word of God …

    It gets worse the older you get!

    They start insisting you make promises of bearing your own to raise alone should you not find Mr. Right for the ideal family. And the look of hopelessness for you written all over their faces makes your heart bleed with so much guilt, you make the promise not knowing in your heart if it’ll ever happen for you and if you will end up having to keep that promise for no other reason than to feel the unconditional love of a child of your own to fill the void that is left by all the Mr. Wrong’s you’ve encountered and are sure to lie in your future.

    With that said, I have complete confidence that such a beautiful, talented, and incredible woman as yourself will no doubt find Mr. Right before those promises reach your lips.


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