Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | April 24, 2006

stitches

Iím walking a mile in my head in the span of three seconds. Iím sitting on my porch staring at a tree opposite me aware of the way the rough ridges of its bark seem to wiggle where they lay in shade. My thoughts are fixated on recent events. Now Iíve never liked coincidence much, but Iím hating the sense itís making now.

Iím considering having a nervous breakdown (or making a dash to the nearest shoe store). I could probably have a good one about how I canít take the strain, that Iím doing my best to make sure my life doesnít crash and burn. While half my brain is considering the nervous breakdown recourse the other half is considering if the fourth largest city is large enough for me. Or how it would be great to be sitting with the Ladies toasting champagne and waiting for the headlines: HIDE ANOTHER MISTAKE. Our correspondent, blah, blah, blah.

My imagination wants a needed strike, but that wonít be. This feels global because itís my life on the line. But I feel nothing. I donít even know why, I canít explain it. But I can feel it, like you feel a stomachache or a cold coming on, or somebodyís eyes staring a hole in your back. Maybe itís from traveling through the last two months without an ounce of downtime transgressing from one whirlwind to another.

And as far as my situation of being the mere sad inevitable result of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, grow up Jess. What has kept me going so long is understanding that some connections arenít real, they are a temporary tethering.

I want to laugh but canít find the strength to do so. I want my laughter to be hysterical and not as a lead in to a nervous breakdown. I want to laugh till no sound comes out the way I do at ďThe OfficeĒ with my crew.

I want to find peace and move on with it. Whatever happens next. Whatever. I can only think about whatever if there is a tomorrow to think about in it. Right now today is enough. It has to be.

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Responses

  1. The Fray. Great song. Great band.

    People criticize me for trying too hard. They’re right. Good things happen when you don’t.

  2. Ummm, Jess I don’t think, and I could be very wrong, that you get to chose to have a breakdown…if you chose it, it’s called a ‘Moment” and usually involves vast quatities of alcohol and waking up thinking “ohhh fuck not again” as you look at the random person next to you…

    And you’re not allowed to have a breakdown, but if you figure out how to stop your imagination I want to know how you did it, mine needs a holiday too?

    So how abotu we send both our imaginations somewhere warm ahead of the summer rush? ~grin~

  3. here’s my question to you, jess. what is it that would make your life a crash and burn? and says who? okay so that’s like two questions.

  4. take a walk on the wild side. life will still be there waiting when you get back.

  5. Ah, the unending search for peace. I’m always looking around the next corner, hoping to find it. Sometimes I find it for a little while, but I keep looking for the big PEACE — not just the little teaser of peace. Make sense? Probably not.

  6. God how I wish that the brain had an off switch from time to time. Hope that you find yours!

    Scott

  7. As always, my advice is to simply breathe and be patient. Change happens, whether we like it or not. So, if you’re unhappy with your current situation, just wait, much like the weather, it’ll change. Besides, on the upside, your dating schedule allows for more blogging.

    I tried to schedule my mid-life crisis a few years back, but, sadly, my scheduled appointment has come and gone with no crisis. On the bright side, I suppose that means I haven’t hit “mid-life” yet either. And, after all, only the good die young, so I’ve a long, long way to go!

  8. the only thing i can really schedule outside work and my day planner is a hang over.

  9. You schedule too much, Sass. I threw away my day planner months ago.

  10. Oh dear!!! ive felt just like that… but let me tell you something… give it a couple of hours and it will look better. or less bad

    and in a few days, you will see it really didnt matter…

    just try to remember a good joke and dont laugh but at least smile

  11. Wicked, no need to worry, i called NEXT. I just had a momentary lapse where i was trying to learn from the mistake and got wrapped up in the memory.

  12. I totally get this. Well-put. Hang in there and things will start making sense.

  13. What’s a schedule…?? : ) Cheer up cutie!!

    C.

  14. You have no idea how much I love that song.

    It is seriousl one of my favorites.

  15. “I wish you were a stranger so I could disengage.
    …I’m losing you and it’s effortless…”

    Truer words were never spoken about my own life.

  16. We need a good long chat. Soon. Miss you.

  17. Jibber jabber.

  18. How about this…forget all the scheduling. Schedule nothing. Pamper lots.

    Yes, go treat yourself to day of rest, relaxation and renewal at a spa. It’s girly, but you’re a girl, so you should like. Don’t imagine it. Don’t even schedule it. Just walk in on the spot. You will come out feeling all beautiful on the inside and out.


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