Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | June 5, 2006

if only the oracle existed…

When I woke up Friday morning the rain had stopped and my bed was stripped from not making it before I left for a well needed glass of wine with several dear friends. I looked at my watch which was conveniently still on my wrist and felt the mini skirt that was still on my waist…just in case I needed to run out of the apartment in the middle of the night, apparently. It was also the beginning of June which tends to remind me of how many steps I’ve taken, took back, then leapt forward. For this and for other issues, my stomach ached. The room felt cold. I thought I heard laughter, but told myself I was the only boat creaking in this storm. I thought I heard footsteps then realized it was only Jo foraging for food. I rolled over in a manner that reminded me of my mother when I wake her in the morning.

Sun light littered my room in a way that told me that I had about enough of this shit and it was time to start the day. I never asked the question because the answer couldn’t bear its weight in my head. The theories I had collected make much more sense than a concrete cruise ship.

That in a nutshell was the end of my preoccupation with death. Not that I will ever stop fearing it. I just stopped thinking about it. If I’d have any extra time on my hands that wasn’t spent thinking about important things like what I’m going to wear tonight (or why my sister and I have a texting love), I might spend more time worrying about things out of my control. But the truth is I’ve learned to put a wall against such thoughts. Each new thing I learn about the world is a stone in that wall, until one day I realized I had exiled myself from a place I could never go back to. And yet, that wall has also protected me. I still never think about the truth in those things while attempting the two mile drive to Walgreen’s and not wearing my seat belt. Acciednts always happen close to home, right? What if I was in one and thrown thrown twenty feet ending up paralyzed or dead? It could happen. Yet, I still don’t think about the truth, because eventually we’re all going to die. Instead I force myself to think inside a happy box while my mind is more like a nine year old with ADD trying to solve a cross word puzzle.

I’d like to think that the world wasn’t ready for me, but maybe the truth is that I wasn’t ready for the world. I’m always arriving to late for my life or as Clint calls it, “J.S. T. Time.” Translation: Jessica Standard Time. Now that I’m here an hour late or an hour early, I just don’t know how to deal with certain situations. So I ask Kristina, I ask Soleil, Hillary, Kim, Celeste, Brittany, my sister-in-law…I ask and I ask when I already know the answer.

Because let’s face it, if your asking the question…you already know the answer.

And… yeah – i’m back and promise to update more than the last few weeks, I was wading through some pretty deep water.

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Responses

  1. I don’t fear death, at least, not my own, anymore. But, that whole paralysis thing? *That* terrifies me. Death is over and done and would take me beyond this world of pain and hate and anger and fear. But, loosing my sight or my legs or my hands or becoming crippled in some other way, yeah, that scares the bejesus out of me.

    And, yes, you could read that comment metaphorically, too.
    Really, you should write a book and put all that good writing to a profitable use. Hell, even though it’d be “chick lit”, I’d buy it. (Um, just in case it wasn’t clear, I meant that as a compliment.)

  2. BEEN DEAD 2 TIMES. NEVER FEAR DEATH…LIVE LIFE. DEATH IS PART OF LIFE.

  3. missed you.

  4. i love that “sunlight littered your room.” that is just so perfect and unexpected and evocative.

  5. “felt the skirt that was still on my waist… just in i case I needed to run out of the apartment in the middle of the night, apparently. ”

    One time I heard the fire alarm go off, and since I was just starting my new job at the time I took all my suits (cost me a fortune) and ran outside… much to the entertainment of all the neighbours. I must’ve been quite the sight…
    translation: I think quitting time for Jessica is still along ways away. Says the Oracle, anyway.

  6. Here is something you might want to consider doing with your time/life…maybe you should be a writer – full time, part time, any time. Seriously. You’re good at it.

  7. I’m still in up to my chin…looking back, waiting for a life raft.

    By the way…my myspace is:
    http://www.myspace.com/spinsterwar

  8. Welcome back. Enjoy your stay!

  9. Glad to see you back!! No reason to fear death… it is inevitable for sure.

    Scott

  10. I know you’re in some deep water right now…just remember I’m always around with the life boat. Ok, let’s be honest, it’s a booze cruise – but I’m always around if you need anything. Big hugs.

  11. That is such a good outlook and spin on it. Maybe you are the Oracle!!!!!!!!

  12. i once drank a whole gallon of grape kool aid. it was cold and delicious. i drank a gallon of milk and ate 40 hard boiled eggs. i didnt smell too good for a day or two! i think i drank a gallon of scotch at the astros last night. you should become a full time cartoonist.

  13. The Oracle does exist. His name is Warren Buffett. He lives in Omaha.


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