Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | June 14, 2006

the one where i lose it

Iíve been watching my rather nice life self destruct over the past few weeks. The socially acceptable way of saying it is that Iím taking a break. To say that I took more than one pause today is fabricating a moment of self destruction; and who am I to deny you reading those. After all, thatís the juicy stuff right? Hereís the thingÖ.Iím going to Vegas on Tuesday and may not come back, seriously. Iíd be going there for a job which means I sign my name to the liver transplant waiting list tomorrow.

This could be the end of my life as I know it. And I donít mean like Iím going to begin doing something crazy like eat a piece of meat for the first time in twenty-three years. In Texas, Iíve found to my dismay the reaction, ďOh youíre a vegetarian? You don’t look like a vegetarian.Ē And we all know what that means. The temptation is to punch them in the eye and as they stand there trying to stop the blood say, ďNow do I look like a vegetarian?Ē However, remember that whole thing about being a lady? I don’t believe throwing punches would do the cause any good, so I have abstained. So far.

And today on my morning run I realized how many nontransferable roots I have laid down in Houston. Iíve discovered itís nice after moving around my entire life, after never living in one location for more than four years, after twenty-nine years of wandering, itís nice to conclude, maybe Iím home. Then again, never draw conclusions. EVER. There are way too dangerous.

Iíve spent the morning wiping tears from my eyes and putting my best foot forward to take on the world and taking cheap shots at piŮataís while preying they spew more than five cent candy at me.

You should know by now that Iím not one to settle down properly, the yard and the white picket fence is nice but, so are sky lines and oceans. My writing to you has been chaotic, because there’s been way too much in my life that seems to burst or fly sideways only to come back later in a haunting fashion. My predictive capacity for the future is as erratic as my capacity for identifying what Iím going to eat for dinner. Not a clue.

Iíve found that a lot of the people I know, in this city, I know better because of our disorders. No, orders. Er. Iíve grown to love this city of faux-pau cowboys and amazing individuals. Could I ever find another city where I religiously make fun of one friend for her obsession with bronzer and perfume, another who makes up words (make fun of her too), another whose monster comes out of the closet every weekend (make fun of her too), another who does these smoochy faces in all her photos (make fun of her too), another who her and her twin simply trump everything (Yep), and a best friend who he and I donít last five minutes with out making fun of one another? Weíre like one big laughing joke on a bender and I’m only getting started.

There’s this life I have here, the lives I have left behind, and the one I have yet to find. Thatís the one, I imagine, where you’re supposed to be able to see and touch your truths, or at least track them through your fancy gadgets thanks to their radar component.

Perhaps, Iím preaching to the convertedÖlook how far weíve come.

Besides, what would I tell my mother? That I’m moving to Vegas to become a Show Girl? Yeah – like she’d buy that one.


  1. I still want my Rita ‘rita before you go.

  2. Moving across the country sounds like fun….but Vegas? You can do better.

  3. For the love of god; could you proof-read just once in awhile?

  4. charlie – i’ll see you at english class and i do mean to accentuate class.

  5. Actually, I’m surprised they let a vegetarian slip through the border into Texas. I didn’t think it was allowed!

    And, you do look like a vegetarian: slim, healthy, etc. I wish I could do better on cutting back my meat consumption, but, well… I am from the MidWest, after all.

    Good luck in Vegas, whatever comes of it. You should be able to get a nice house still. Last I heard, houses were dirt cheap out there in the desert.
    Again, good luck!

  6. I’ve been nomading all my life. Not always by choice; just playing the hand I’m dealt. Familiar is safe; so is a ship in harbor. But is that what life and a ship is really built for? I wish you the best wherever you may roam.

  7. You’re not getting my liver.

  8. Vegas is a great place to play I’m not sure it’s a great place to live but I wish you all the best Jess.

  9. leaving for vegas? i once knew a telemarketer from there… her official job title was “call girl”. she was way hot for a phone person…. why stop at vegas, why not try prague, or vietnam for that matter. furthermore are steak tomatoes meat or veggie? keep your finger on the trigger.

  10. texas will be a sadder place with you not here, sass.

  11. Even though I didn’t see a description of me in there, I’m not going to allow you to move to Vegas and leave me here to fend for myself.

  12. Have a great time in Vegas! I am sure that you will have an adventure wherever you end up.


  13. oh gez rea – you already know how much i love you and i don’t make fun of you to much – we just make fun of everyone else- please don’t take me off your top 8.

    Let’s make trouble after the aquarium event

  14. you could always join the circus. thats preddy nomadic

  15. sass – class is wearing a mini skirt too short and showing undies for all public viewing isn’t it? i must go to english class then…

  16. Charlie -you obviously have to much time on your hands to care about me so much. Yeah i have a mini skirt or two – and ya know accidents happen, I’m not going to deny that – but where is this aggression coming from? Is someone having a bad day?

    I could just ban your IP address or do you want to talk about this?

  17. I have been there my friend. In fact, I am sort of there now.

  18. Heh…we should talk about you conundrum over a nice juicy steak…after your show of course!

  19. Sass, your strength is in your chaotic nature… whereever you go or whatever you do, don’t stop writing. You have a gift.

  20. everyone itches for a change every so often, right?

  21. why not just go crazy. sell everything. go to vegas, put it on black and let it ride three times…

  22. Good luck with whatever you end up doing. It’s not easy to pick up and move somewhere. It’s very brave of you and I hope it goes well.

    P.S. my wife is a vegetarian too and she hears the same comments. Being a veggie in Texas must be a trip for sure.

  23. Good luck, Sass. Hope you don’t take that saying “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” too literally and let us know how your new adventures are going.

  24. Who knows, maybe among the skylines and ocean side views you will find a white picket fence that fits you perfectly. Maybe then you will finally feel at home…or maybe not. But perhaps the Vegas odds are in your favor and will bring you a world of happiness. Good luck Jessica.

  25. Hope Vegas works out well. If not, there’s always the Windy City!

  26. Just saw that Houston got a crazy amount of rain. Was wondering how if affected you and if you are okay. Hope all is well.




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