Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | August 17, 2006

forget caffeine

My morning trip to Starbucks proved nothing out of the ordinary…other than The Klutz strikes again. Walking out of Fourbucks my nonfat dry latte was in my right hand and my bag/purse was draped over my left fore arm. I thanked the nice gentleman who held the door open for me as William Tell’s Overture chirped inside my bag, my phone was ringing and my hands were conveniently full. Glancing to my left and then to my right, I caught daunting gazes from patrons reading the morning newspaper at the outside tables. A homeless man was perched on the curb three feet from where I stood, the thought did occur, although I couldn’t really ask him to hold my latte while I fished for my phone. Switching the coffee from my right hand to my left I dove into the bag to fish for my phone….and that’s when I spilled my coffee and it landed on the bum, I mean homeless person. Sounding like a cross between a Orangutan and Paris Hilton singing I blurted “Oh no. I am so sorry,” and proceeded to try and wipe him dry with a napkin I pulled off a neighboring table.

The homeless man reeled loud enough for everyone in the zip code to hear. “I can take care of myself. I don’t need any help from a klutz.”

Feebly I explained, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to,”

HM: “Listen Lady I’m fine just don’t prey on the weak because I stink,” then he hobbled off leaving me apologetic and realizing that I’d just offended a homeless man. Karma- wise, I’m sure I’m pretty low on the totem pole.

My eyes began to burn ominously as I felt the gazes of the surrounding clientele disapprovingly fixed on me. Morning tiredness and a conversation the previous night had softened up my normally slightly thicker skin, lately – nothing can bring me short of a breakdown like the wrath of judging strangers.

Feeling a hand on the small of my back I turned to see Mr. Laptop handing me a wet napkin, “Well, thank goodness someone got the day started. I was waiting for a car wreck or a dog bite.”

My mouth opened, I tried to respond. Apparently my voice had been chased away by the tidal wave of embarrassment swelling through my chest. A choked whisper escaped, “Yeah. Just my luck.” I looked up and made eye contact with the to hot-for the real world man and quickly glanced down again feeling a wave of red flash on my face and thought, ‘Hell Fucking Yeah. Maybe karma is on my side.’


  1. Oh, thank God someone was nice to you, poor thing. What a terrible way to start the day! At least, it’s Thursday, so you’re almost through the week.

    Did you get digits? Oh, wait, maybe that should be “Did he get digits?”

  2. Oh boy.

  3. maybe he has a friend for ME!! ;-)~

  4. nope…i did that last night too

  5. i think kharma is not so unforgiving as to let you off with a warning. did you get a number?

  6. I love the idea that the day doesn’t really start until something goes wrong…

    …how often is that just the case.

  7. Good for you Jess. To bad about the bum but you are the most adorable klutz I know so something good should come from it.

  8. Don’t worry about the bum. Maybe that was his karmic payback for all the trouble he’s caused when he got drunk or all the people he initimidated to get money from.

  9. A nice ending to a hilarious story. You can really spin them.


%d bloggers like this: