Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | October 9, 2006

why couples shouldn’t drink and fight

I was good, real good. Friday night I released myself from all plans after deciding it was okay to miss another party. After all, I did respond with a “Maybe” on the evite and the fun would continue with or without my presence. Surely, I would be asleep by eleven and awake in time to meet the running group. I was determined to have a low key evening to ensure a restful nights sleep. The powers of my friends partying ways would have none of it.

11:02 pm – Hey Jess its Trey – there are mad dance circles at A38. Get here now.

11:55 Aje – “You out? Where? Hello?”

12:02 Unrecognized number – Voicemail message

12:55 “Jess its Upshaw and Jenkins – where are you?”

1:15 Unrecognized number – Voicemail message

1:52 Unrecognized number – Voicemail message

All of these calls went unanswered but not without doing enough injustice to make yours truly feel like a pea was slipped under the mattress. Saturday morning as I laced up my shoes I listened to the unanswered drunken phone messages. Now, it’s typical of my friends to call me at odd hours as their night progresses but the unrecognized number sent me into a running fury. The hour this person had chosen to call was absurd and down right insensitive because I do not speak with this person on a regular basis.

I digress.

Last Sunday evening while still in Vegas I sat with my legs propped up at Rounders and my new Vegas friends by my side.

“Jess, this is Chris. Claire thinks you and I are having an affair.”

“A what? Which Chris is this?”


Now, I’ve never been the jealous type and can usually see things pretty clear when situations arise but, that wasn’t always the case. Years ago at 23 I regret that I was that girl in a relationship. I was childish. Whiny. I questioned everything he did and was codependent. I wanted all of him and to be needed, wanted, and loved. What I got was two hands around my throat trying to shake the life out of me. The next day, I moved out.

I listened to the unrecognized number voice mail. Each carrying the same message. It was THEM. They were fighting and somehow I was involved.


Call One

“This is Chris and Claire I’m Chris Soleil s friend. For some reason Claire and I are arguing again tonight and she thinks that you and I are in some sexual escapade. I got your number from Soleil last week. Can you put something on your blog about the fucking absurdity and idiocy of this call. I’m sorry for bothering you but I will tell you something – I will never date a 21 year old. I’m sorry a 22 year old. This just sucks. I was immature once too I guess. And I know your helping your friend and I’m sorry I hope she’s doing well.”

Call Two

“Hey Jessica it’s Chris and Claire again. Claire is still having some psychotic episode that I am dating you and that you and I are in constant contact. Hey Claire come on…what do you think about Jessica? Come on Claire you just told me. Tell her about how you and I are having a sexual episode. You going to tell her Claire? Now you’re quiet. I don’t know Jess maybe she’s a closet lesbian and has the hots for you. I don’t even know Jessica.

Silence. (I imagine they are having a dead stare contest now)

Just put something on your blog about how we are being morons. This bitch is fucking sick – just be glad you’re normal.”

I began my run in a fury and was annoyed of being brought into their relationship. I barely know this couple. What I do know is several months ago it was believed they were broken up. Chris was out with his friends and running around town enjoying the “single life.” He’s 33 and she’s 22. During this time Soleil ran into Claire. As couples break up one does what they can to remain friends with both sides. Soleil asked Claire how she was doing after the break up. Claire came back with the most unassuming answer, “What? Everyone thinks we broke up but we never did.? Who is saying this?” Chris did.

At 22 years old I was as insecure as a child lost in a shopping mall. I didn’t know which way to go or how to seek out help for myself. I was trying to find my way and the man I was dating wasn’t enough to make me feel safe. I allowed myself to become lost in a relationship and pour my being into him. My school, life, and routine revolved on his axis. I doubted myself because I was lost in a relationship that I held on to. A relationship I knew was fleeting from the moment of hello. I held on to something that was nothing. At 29 I’m much more grounded and secure with myself and the relationships I CHOOSE to have and not the one’s that have me.

Because you asked Chris.


You are in medical school. You’re smart, athletic, and beautiful and dating a man who makes you doubt his love. One of my favorite sayings is ‘if you have to ask the question then you already know the answer’ but that’s not the full case in this situation. I think what you are truly doubting is the validity of you being committed to this relationship. Not now or ever have I had anything “going on” with your Chris. “Borrowing” other peoples men just isn’t my style, I’m far too selfish to share men. I want one all to myself.

A hang up in many relationships is that a couple argues for the sake of arguing. I grew up in a house like that. It was a rare occasion when Mom and Dad raised their voices but when they did, the heated discussion wasn’t about the issue at hand. Long days, work, kids, money, health, stress, and an outstanding question of the future made them fight.

Claire do you really think Chris and I are having a lurid sex affair? If so, I will send you the video, there is always a video.

You will figure it out one day and probably regret this incident. As for him – well – that’s for you to decide.


As for the both of you, handle your own mess.


  1. Give me a second. I am still reading the post.

  2. Real life is stranger than any fiction.

  3. Got to love it anti:spam word: redtornado :p

    Now on to your post. OMG you are too kind to even deal with that childish crap. Calling you at 2 a.m. so you can solve an arguement. Neither sounds very mature. Trust is not something you can force out of a person. Either its there or its not. The truth usually comes out if we are willing to see it.

  4. I’ve taken calls from friends at all hours, but, usually, it’s to talk someone down off a ledge. I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me to settle that kind of fight in the small hours of the night, though. Good thing, too, because I sure wouldn’t have been as polite as you were!

    Crazy kids.

  5. jebus crust. im glad i dont have freinds that know my number.

  6. I hate that I was ever that young, insecure, jealous girlfriend. God I look back on it and cringe. You don’t realize how you look and sound to other people. Jessica…just be glad that you and I grew up…and hopefully this one will too.

  7. You’re more patient than I would be had they been calling me at that time over their relationship. I’d have to get ghetto and tell them if they called at 2AM again, they would put their differences aside and make up because I would open a can of whoop ass on both of them.

  8. when are we doing brunch again?

  9. Well put.

  10. They’re doomed.


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