Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | February 17, 2007

You’ve been missed

Hey everyone.I’ve missed you all.  I’ve been a horrible blogger and lost contact with a lot of you.  Unfortunately, I have a lot to say and little time to write it.  Life is very busy for me right now.  All is well.  I remain unmedicated and went through a bought where I sought treatment.  I was on antidepressants for a month.  I gained what felt like 15 pounds when it was probably only seven pounds.  Nothing had changed in my world other than a Rx for Cerlexa.  After googling “weight gain & cerlexa” I realized it was the drug that caused the weight gain.  A drug that was to improve my mood ended up making me fat, diving me deeper into a  feeling of sadness.   After realizing the source of my bulge I began talking to my girlfriends about antidepressants.  HOLY SHIT – half of them are on something!  My roommate says, “Oh yeah, you’d be surprised how many people – girls especially are on some form of antidepressants.”  My mother (the nurse) concurred.   I can’t help but be reminded of a book I read in college by Aldous Huxley A Brave New World.   In this book people enjoy the same things such as golf and tennis; they also take a daily dose of Soma.   As perfect pleasure-drugs go, soma under whelms. It’s not really a utopian wonder drug at all. It does make you high, yet it’s more akin to a hangover less tranquillizer or an opiate – or a psychic anaesthetizing SSRI like Prozac – than a truly life-transforming elixir. Third-millennium neuropharmacology, by contrast, will deliver a vastly richer product range of designer-drugs to order.  The book was written in 1932.  Huxley was trying to warn us against a pharmacological utopian cure to all of our ails.  Societies loss of all feeling, and ability to enjoy only the simplest of pleasures.

 During this month, I can’t say I was happy …I was monotone at best.  I had no sex drive and felt unphased by life in general.  The drugs weren’t working as they should have other than for once in my life I could concentrate for more than 40 minutes.    I found myself living in a universe with all the human meaning stripped out: a participant in a soulless dance of molecules, or harmonics of pointlessly waggling superstrings and their braneworld cousins. Nature seemed loveless and indifferent in my life.   The prospect of seeing a lifetime of genetic enhancement seemed to easy.  My mood was elevated however my laugh went dormant.  I lost my belly laugh.  I lost loud.  In college a friend once told me there was nothing quiet about me, “You’re a loud person all around.”  At the time she meant it as a back handed compliment I’ll never forget.  My laugh is a deep belly laugh, at times it zooms through a room. I know this because heads turn wondering where the boisterous sound is coming from.  I may sound annoying or make people wonder what is so funny. I could care less either way if only because I am drug free and my laugh is back.  The weight well, it’s just weight and my jeans are fitting again.  

 My Mother grew up watching her Father’s addiction to Rx pills.  She has always been against pills.  In my past there have been times, perhaps months on end where I needed help.  My Mother fought the doctors tooth and nail.  She fought me irrationally with love while not making a clear argument.  I fought her with teenage strife.    As an adult, I’m not refilling my Rx.  My Mother on the other hand is questioning why I have chosen to do so.  Irony lives on. I’ve lived 29 years without the use of drugs (recreational use 94-98 not included) overall I’m a pretty happy person. I’ve never met a stranger who isn’t an instant friend.  Kimmy laughs because I’m always bringing a new friend around.  She never knows who is going to last long term and who I’ve known for a while but aren’t always in my life.  Thing with me is that everyone is always in my life.   I don’t talk to everyone every day but I never forget anyone.  That’s just me.  It’s good to be back cause I’ve missed you.  

I remain drug free and happier than any Rx drug could make me.


  1. Hi, this is a comment.
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  2. Welcome back. And good title.

  3. I’ve missed you too…and it’s been too long since we’ve talked.

  4. i couldn’t stay away from bloggin

  5. Yes, welcome back. With my wife I think it’s a hit or miss with the Rx. She can function with less anxiety with them. However other things are swept under the carpet (like some drives). Good for her, sucks for me half the time.

  6. So glad to see you back, Sass. I, too, begged for meds, but my doctor refused, forcing me to deal with reality. Now, I’m thankful, although sometimes I long for a drug-induced state of numbness.

    Girl, things have GOT to get better. They just HAVE to.

  7. Happy to see you back! RE: the prescription… good for you for making that decision. I often wish I could get prescribed into a “happy state”, but then I rethink it. It’s one day at a time, m’dear, and a force of will every day to decide to keep being you. Love the new name of the blog, and I continue to adore the design icon… and you!

  8. Good for you I haven’t the strength to ween myself off yet.

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