Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | October 8, 2007

sabotage

I have a thing for danger, and in the danger department is Tim.  He’s traveled the world, spent time in war zones fighting fires and could charm the pant suit off Hillary Clinton. One look from across the room with his steel blue eyes, chiseled face,  6’4” strong build and I became Kelly from Top Gun in a “Take me to bed and lose me forever,” fashion.

Silently we stood in the moonlight under a star filled Arizona sky in the middle of a cross roads. Me armed with the uncertainty I packed in my suitcase and him with sugar, vinegar and military attitude.

“You’re doing the same thing you did in Houston, you’re skating round,” he’d say.

“I’m not skating anything, I’m telling you how it came across,” I’d retort.

“Don’t interrupt me,” he’d bark.

Cause when he war angry, run on sentenances were in style and when he was sweet, I’d swoon in the middle of home depot.“Imagine if we were buying stuff for our house, you’d be like the cheapest stuff isn’t going to fly.” I pursed my lips fighting back thoughts of lawn mowers and baby strollers to enter my thought train even though I was secretly hoping for matching wedding bands and laughing at a drunk uncle on a wedding night. 

Hours later we’d be in the car in the midst of a car following us to close. He’d pull over with me sitting idle and listening to stories of him chasing down a road raged driver while offering up a fight in a nobody fucks with me attitude.   Cause when he was crossed, his temper flared which caused me to respond to my friends, “I’m not sure if this is going to hold water.”  This I knew before I left because when I am in fear, I sabotage things.

The following morning I’d kiss him on the cheek and sneak into his ear, “I’m going for a run, I’ll be back in an hour.”  An hour and thirty later I’d have come to a walk watching a silver Land Rover pull up to me, “You were gone longer than an hour and I was going for coffee…..” Cause when he was sweet, he was adorable.

After returning from coffee I’d be ready to hop in the shower and sprawled the contents of my suitcase on the floor. He’d pass by to kiss me, stop and say, “We could never live together.”  I’d snap into my shell responding, “Dude, I’m trying to figure out what to wear especially since I’m meeting your parents and lucky for you we don’t have to worry about that.”  He’d respond wounded, “I could live with my Ex. She did my laundry and cleaned the house.” I’d run into the bathroom knowing I’m not a caterer or a maid thinking I’d do that for you if I loved you too. Hadn’t I played house with The Choker? Played very well, indeed.   He’d tell me later that he was joking in a red tornado just struck again fashion.  I’d laugh and think he never should have said such a joke cause when emotions are involved I can fuck with my head better than anyone. 

Hours later we’d walk out of a restaurant against my insisting, “a salad is just fine” because there were no other  vegetarian options. He’d want to please me and see me happy and I’d be just fine because I was with him.  But he is a pleaser and when pleasing is to be had, he’s all about it.

We’d drive to another restaurant with windows down, bass blaring and people staring.  He’d turn to me, brush my pinky and say, “People are looking at us. They see the car, look at me and then see you and think ‘that’s a hot couple’ Baby we’re a hot couple.”  I’d laugh and mention something about me drooling in my sleep and think how cocky that was of him to say but knowing he’s right.

Later, I’d talk to Tiffany and tell her the story. She’d say, “But Jess – you like cocky.” I’d retort something about not liking arrogant but could deal with it.  Cause when I fall, I fall hard.

Back under the Arizona sky he’d sit down to talk and I’d stand up to leave. “You’re walking away,” he’d say. Wounded and guarded I’d pull my wings under me and tell him I wasn’t walking away, I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I’d sit down to talk and he’d stand up to leave.

The next morning I’d get on a shuttle to leave and he’d drive away. 

And the next day, I’d be more confused when he called cause when I like someone I need a map.

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Responses

  1. On the bright side, you’ll be glad to know that I can comment on WordPress blogs again. 🙂 And not a moment too soon, really.

    Barnes and Noble sells a lot of maps.

  2. I’m left needing a map after that. You really seem to have mixed feeling about this guy.


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