Posted by: canaryinacoalmine | November 6, 2008

no words


It was a brief moment in time and one I’m sure she will forget but one I revert back to almost daily.

After kissing and hugging both nephews to a near dry spell Carlin, my sister, put Kai to bed while Fadi, the best brother in-law, put Reed to bed and I laid  silently next to Karenna in her Princess room with her snuggled against me.   I listened to my sister and Fadi creeping down the stairs; waiting for Karenna to fall asleep.

Deep breathing….

“Okay, she’s asleep,” thinking to myself as I scooted across the bed.  A tiny hand reached across my chest. “Hmmm…she’s not asleep,” I thought as my heart leapt and split in two.  Minutes later I waited…and waited.

And waited

Now I was the one counting sheep.


Finally deep shallow breathing. I began inching to the edge of the bed in what felt more like centimeters careful to not wake the sleeping dragon when an arm reached across me.  Crap! I’m caught. Suddenly a rush swept over me as though once again I had been caught sneaking out of the house in a… “I forgot something in my car,” verbal denial.

“Aunt Jessie! I have to wait till YOU fall asleep.”

Stomaching an internal chuckle, “No Karenna I have to wait till you fall asleep.”

“No, till you fall asleep,” she responded with the ease of a bachelor at a bar.

Twenty minutes later I snuck out, watched Iron Man with my sister and her husband then recounted how earlier in the day I  told Karenna, “I only want kids if they are exactly like you.”

Carlin looked up at me chuckling, “I know, Fadi and I joke if all of our kids were like Karenna everything would be rainbows and butterflies all the time.”

We both laughed knowing family isn’t always like that…family and friendships are tough. They take work…hard work. 

The past few days have been emotional for me in a way only Ronda knows.

It’s bound to happen every once in a while, a break down that is.  A call to a friend who knows me all to well was long over due, I allowed myself to be weak, she doesn’t always know what to say but is always there;  bottling things up isn’t healthy (i’m slowly learning) and the gal can always make me make fun of myself in between tears and gurgling laughter. “I don’t mean to be so emotional but it’s almost been two years,” I said recounting to Ronda.

 The next day I woke knowing I’ve said everything I can, I’ve tried, done it all and time…I’m sorry but it doesn’t always heal the past; it only makes things more distant.

**this has nothing to do with dating .. by the way.


  1. Any relationship that I value, I work at keeping alive and fresh. I’m ten years older than you, but it took me a long time to learn that lesson. Friends and family are all relationships, too. And they stick around longer than the other kind often does. You know what I mean.

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